Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Thoughts on relationships

So I talked with my love interest this evening...we had good conversation and nailed down this coming Monday for me to come up to where he lives.  I chose not to make a big deal about not having heard from him often recently because he's apparently been sick and still working, and he agreed to me coming up on a day he doesn't have off.  I hope the visit will go well...I haven't seen him in a long while.  I don't quite know how to describe my worry about things between us...for a few months, we talked nearly every night and just clicked.  We'd get on the phone and four hours would pass, and it was such quality time.  There were so many nights that I wanted more than anything to be there with him.  Some time has passed, and there've been several times where I really looked forward to seeing him or having a conversation and it didn't work out, and I hope those feelings of disappointment haven't "broken" anything on my end.  I want to go and enjoy the moment and connect in the way we did before he started residency.  And I secretly (well now you know) worry that maybe we'll have a great time and then it'll be another long while before we see each other again, and it'll be that same emotional roller coaster that the last few weeks (months) have been.  Someone with very basic knowledge of the situation knew that I've been feeling down recently and asked if it was about, "That jerk who lives in..." and warned me not to jump into something serious if things aren't as they should be.  I hope she's wrong about him...I don't think he's a jerk, but I have the tendency to make way too many allowances for someone until it becomes unavoidably blatant.  I don't know her well, but I have a lot of respect for her judgment and life experience, and the strength of her experience behind the comment worries me for this particular relationship. 

I've never been able to land a long-term relationship of any kind; the longest relationship I've been in was on-again/off-again over several years, and I allowed it to evolve into a long-term fwb.  I didn't have any good examples of healthy relationships growing up, and I want more than anything to be with someone who really loves and cares for me without condition and allows me to do the same for them.  I'm not even sure if I know how to exist in that kind of relationship, but I want it so bad I can taste it and THAT is what I hope won't let me be the girl who ignores the warnings of people who care about me and stays in a continually disappointing situation.  I also have to be careful not to think it to death (as is my tendency) and let neediness or insecurity ruin a good thing.  Five days seems like forever to wait to see him...five days until I can escape life for a night, enjoy a nice dinner, and go to sleep safely in someone's arms.  Here's hoping:)

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