I Never Learn...D'oh!

So my computer seems to have a virus courtesy of an accidental click on some referer spam for this blog.  Normally I'd take it straight to the repair shop, but there's one slight problem...I sent several tasteful topless photos to a certain European friend, and while they're nothing to be ashamed of, I'm not eager to hear the teasing I got the last time the shop stumbled across some tasteful nudes.  I never intended to store them on my computer, but I had to quickly back up my last phone's pics before returning it and never remembered to take them off.  I want to keep the photos and simply delete them from my computer but having trouble due to the virus:(  Ultimately I'll probably let the shop repair it and simply hang over their shoulder to limit their alone time with the files but I sure am kicking myself for making the same mistake twice.  Feel free to point and laugh now...

I Want What I Want!

So I just returned from seeing the new Star Trek movie with friends (it was really good), and for some reason seeing a really good movie such as those done by J.J. Abrams gets me all existential and tonight is no exception.  Really I think seeing a good movie gets me focused and in the proper frame of mind to collect all the various thoughts about life and existence into a vaguely cohesive thought...weird, but true.  It's thought provoking watching the characters of the movie battle against external forces while balancing logic and emotion, but to what end?  Why do they fight so hard for survival and happiness?  Is it just another innate drive or are they motivated by other things they want?

I'm not sure how to articulate how that idea translates into the following train of thought...perhaps it's an ADHD thing, or maybe just the conversation I had just prior to the movie about what I want out of life, how to balance my short term emotional needs with my long term desires...but here goes.  It feels strange and terrifying to talk [write] about these things, even anonymously to an unknown audience, but I need to get it all out and this is as good a venue as any.  It's not my best quality, but I've always been the person who finds a way to get what I want.  I grew up in a less than optimal setting [emotionally, physically, and educationally], but I white knuckled it and somehow found ways to have hope for the future, and I survived.  A few close friends have commented over the years that they're amazed at my ability to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat, advocating for myself to get what I need.  I've been that way for such a long time; taking care of myself is all I've ever known.  While I've long cared for myself, doing so hasn't filled the emotional void left by a lacking childhood or erased the drive to find someone I trust to care for me and just be happy with.  Somehow I've always been able to stuff thoughts of that need and focus on the present, but lately it's become much harder to do so.  I find myself thinking about where life has brought me and while I'm not unhappy or ungrateful, I feel that sense of hope and the ability to survive on my own is quickly eroding.  Forcing circumstances to my will to get what I want isn't as easy as it used to be, and that skill can only take me so far...even if it was possible, I'd never want to force someone to love or take care of me.  So then what am I fighting for?  By no means is this an expression of complete hopelessness, but rather my genuine lack of understanding for my own motivations.  I have all sorts of needs...financial stability, safety, mentally stimulating tasks...but I don't want any of those things as much as I just want someone to love me.  I feel shameful even typing that, but who cares right?  I want someone with whom I can have a real connection where we provide for each others' needs...someone I can trust and care for who will in turn love and care for me in the ways I simply can't care for myself.  I want to come home to someone who will snuggle and doesn't mind that my feet feel like icicles or that sometimes (most of the time) I have trouble sitting still.  I want someone whose qualities balance my own.  I'm starting to doubt my ability to find that in the world, and that scares me.  I'm not a bad person and I have many positive qualities, but despite having a strong survival instinct, I lack the skills necessary to being vulnerable and finding what I want.  And I don't know how to get them.  Part of my conversation earlier today [technically yesterday] was about what I want long term and how to make temporary compromises to meet some of my emotional needs now.  The only comforting thing about that conversation was that the other person didn't think I was asking for too much to want someone attractive, intelligent, with whom I have amazing chemistry, and who has excellent social skills.  Everyone is so quick to point out that such an individual is rare in the population, but I want what I want.  But I don't know how to get what I want...I don't even know how to find the target of that desire.  And the few rare times when I can make any sort of connection with someone potentially worthy, it never works out [they don't want me].  There's nowhere for me to even go with the thought after it reaches this point...I spend so much energy desperately wanting something that I can't find and don't know how to bag, and the rest of my energy either trying to distract myself from the ensuing void or seeking a temporary fix to the problem (which is equally difficult to find).  Coming back around to the original thought, I think the solution lies in finding another way to address the issue.  I could make some parallels, but you'd all hate me because they'd be plot spoilers...bottom line is, I need to better understand my own motivations and think of new ways to address the need.  But without writers and a producer, I'm not sure how:/  Perhaps you've read this and thinking that it lacked cohesion and sounded ridiculous; this would normally be the time when I cosign myself, but I'm done apologizing for how I feel [at least for now].  I want what I want, and I need some help with this!

End of a Long Week

This week was crazy, y'all!  Sunday was the one year anniversary of my grandfather's passing, a friend's dad passed away, a favorite client's pet died, and then Monday one of the kids I spend a lot of time with got a serious head injury at school.  Ready for a drink!

Also...what did we all think of last night's Grey's Anatomy finale??  That show's jumped so many sharks it's officially a land shark, but still love it.  Kepner and Jackson def need to get together, and Arizona should run away as fast as her peg leg will take her and her ungrateful bitchy self. 

My Best Friend's Marriage

My best friend's marriage is stressing me out.  Seriously.  They've been married for just over a month and are the most wonderful couple, but must live apart right now due to his current military service, and she seems to be stressing really hardcore.  They love each other, and pretty much all he talks about lately is how much she makes him happy, he loves her, can't wait to see her, etc...they talk at least twice a day, and he is very devoted, even flying to see her every few weeks when possible.  But the last few nights he's expressed real fear over her irrational behavior, and I'm starting to get nervous for him.  I'm not married, and can't profess to know anything about anything, but I care deeply for them both and he is my very.best.friend, so it worries me.  I don't know what to say...I think perhaps she is depressed and doesn't realize it because I've always known her to be logical and rational, but she seems distant in our friendship lately, and what he describes sounds a lot like mood swings, irritability, and hostile attribution bias.  So either she's pregnant or depression is creeping in...either way, it's difficult for me to watch it play out knowing there's nothing I can do.  How do people conquer these things? 

Busy, Busy!

It's been a busy few days...I started my new work contract yesterday, and it's going well so far.  Well...except that I really, really hate sitting all day.  Really.  I've still got all the usual tasks on my plate, so I'm mostly just tired and busy, but it's nice that I'll be able to pay some bills next week.  I'm trying not to think about what will happen if I don't get the other job I'm in interview process with...it'd be nice not to restart the depression cycle.  Anywho...off to the gym to burn off some major poundage gained recently.

On Being Boring

So I've been looking back over old blog posts and have come to the conclusion that this blog isn't living up to the proper level of juiciness.  Well more specifically, I might be failing to live the most exciting life at the moment.  There's not necessarily anything wrong with a quieter lifestyle, but one of my goals in recent years has been to open myself up to all the thrilling experiences I was raised to shy away from.  It's not that I never take risks, and not everything makes the blog...but it's sort of average.  Maybe I should be spending less time cooking naked and more time flat ironing my hair in the bathtub.  Instead of exchanging a few curious messages with the really hot slutty resident who randomly messaged me on Match, perhaps I should be grabbing the bottle of Jack and a jumbo box of Durex and putting the vagina kettlebell lady (just google) to shame.  Of course that would defy everything I live by as a confident classy lady, but maybe I should be thinking less about safety and the future and more about right now.  All of this is on my mind as I anticipate seeing my european friend at the end of the month.  I really want to have fun and enjoy the moment, but I worry about overthinking the risks involved and backing down from the experience.  I just need to stop thinking things through and get outside of my comfort zone...gotta go do that now.  And some work:)

Naked Cooking and Other Musings

People who know me understand that I'm, like, the most responsible person on the planet.  Seriously.  Like a safety guru.  But times have been stressful, and I've loosened up a bit on some of life's smaller details...perhaps too much.  I found myself doing something really stupid today- naked cooking.  Now this had nothing to do with the nude cooking craze apparently rocking Britain (googling that will turn up a blog and some articles with NSFW photos of the practice).  My experience is more based on laziness/convenience.  I've got limited clothing to wear these days, and even further limited access to laundry facilities (thank you, downstairs neighbor with skethy bf!), and somehow I found myself hungry after deciding to shower and change, and I guess I just figured it'd be easier to cook first and shower later.  But then I found myself standing nude in front of my not-to-code oven waiting for the burner to ignite (yes, waiting), with a generous portion of coconut oil in the pan waiting to start popping, and it was then that I realized that I'd put myself in a unique position- to be featured on one of those idiot news segments made popular by morning talk-show hosts.  Cooking naked using hot oil and a faulty oven is totally normal, after all.  Right?  Even worse, the realization didn't lead me to put on clothes, but rather simply to wrap up in a blanket.  Fortunately my eggs turned out ok...a little runny, but my growing case of the hangries dictated immediate consumption.  I'll try to be more mindful in the future (or not), but having that realization of how stupid I was being was funny in the context of my generally safety-conscious [anxious] personality.  I worry about so many things, but yet I still do stupid sh*t on occasion, and no amount of anxiety can protect me from myself.  Guys, if you're ever hooking up with a chick whose nipples got burned off in a grease fire, maybe you'll have found me.*  But hopefully not. 

Even having suffered a brief lapse in judgment, my day's been pretty good.  Aside from the usual daily stuff, I had a really good conversation with the referral agent who found me the job that screwed me earlier this year/for whom I sometimes work.  I recently sent him a vaguely [terribly] unprofessional email venting my frustrations about not being able to find a job, and disclosing some residual emotions I have regarding the client who let me go.  The email was written in tears and with generally good intentions, but I'd sent a followup the following day apologizing for the weight of it, and hadn't heard back, so I called him to make sure he wasn't personally offended.  To my great relief, he was actually pretty cool about it and recognized that I was just venting and said I hadn't been inappropriate at all.  The email sparked a short discussion regarding the private service industry, and it made me feel good having an opportunity to be heard by someone with the most direct knowledge of what happened.  I was professional, but I felt my voice edge in an emotional direction a couple times...it was an appropriately vulnerable conversation.  Although I make it a habit not to vent to those I do business with, it was a positive interaction in the end, and gave me a bit of insight on him that will be helpful in our future dealings. 

I'm especially proud of myself because it's very difficult for me to be truly vulnerable personally or professionally, and while we didn't snuggle and discuss our girly feelings, it was a step.  Even though this blog is anonymous, I sometimes find myself censoring the true language of my feelings.  It's sad because everyone needs to be able to let go sometimes, and also because I try to be as real as possible here in the hopes that what I share will be meaningful to the reader.  And make you laugh.  Hopefully all you lurkers are enjoying what you read:) 

*Condolences to anyone reading who may have actually burned off any part of their body while cooking.