Retreading the Past

Things have been pretty busy the last few weeks...saw my family out of town, and have been busy with clients.  It's nice to have a bit of an upturn business-wise, but still feeling a bit battle worn.  I've also been out on several more dates with guys I met online.  And I met the man of my dreams, except that he's 23/nearly finished with med school/I fucked it up:(  Seems like I have a penchant for meeting men who are unavailable or disinterested, and I screw up all the rest of my prospects.  Also, I still miss the ex from another city:(  I haven't heard anything from him since he dropped off the face of the earth in January, but I'm definitely missing him.  And emailed him again recently...I didn't really need that last shred of dignity, did I?

Cougar Time

So I went on a date with a 23 year old yesterday.  Really.  I met him online, and we hit it off immediately, so we met for brunch at a charming local cafe.  Now, I'd typically never consider someone under the age of 25, but he is tall and attractive, of Indian descent, and in med school...essentially my perfect man minus a couple years.  I was a little nervous, but we had a great time joking and talking over pancakes about things such as physicians getting fired for giving breast exams in the dark, our most embarrassing [drunken] moments, and our general lives, and we subsequently walked and talked our way around the city for an hour or so.  It felt like an overall success, except for a hint of awkwardness when we hugged goodbye.  It was difficult to read his level of interest, which I generally take as a bad sign, but I really liked him.  His age was surprisingly a non issue...he came across as warm, funny, smart, and dedicated to his work, which is more than I can say about the last few men I've been out with.  But I get the sense that he probably won't be calling, which is a bummer since I haven't had any fun in a really long time, and honestly it's a little lonely sleeping by myself.  I suppose I should feel flattered that a 23 year old had enough interest in me to go out, but somehow I just feel disappointed and old.  He was fun and carefree, which is a nice change from my usual old person lifestyle...I might be pushing 30, but I still enjoy playing Just Dance or getting drunk and making out with a hot guy.  I wish I had more opportunities for those young person experiences, and I wish I'd taken advantage of them when I was actually 23.  Perhaps he'll surprise me and invite me out again...we've texted a few times since the date, but I sense a change in his level of interest and that's hard to admit.  I'll save the whining about how I never get the guy for my recounting of my recent visit with the European guy...let's just say that his equipment appears smaller than actual size in photos, and I may have cut off circulation to said appendage with an orange flavored condom, which killed the mood in under five minutes.

I Never Learn...D'oh!

So my computer seems to have a virus courtesy of an accidental click on some referer spam for this blog.  Normally I'd take it straight to the repair shop, but there's one slight problem...I sent several tasteful topless photos to a certain European friend, and while they're nothing to be ashamed of, I'm not eager to hear the teasing I got the last time the shop stumbled across some tasteful nudes.  I never intended to store them on my computer, but I had to quickly back up my last phone's pics before returning it and never remembered to take them off.  I want to keep the photos and simply delete them from my computer but having trouble due to the virus:(  Ultimately I'll probably let the shop repair it and simply hang over their shoulder to limit their alone time with the files but I sure am kicking myself for making the same mistake twice.  Feel free to point and laugh now...

I Want What I Want!

So I just returned from seeing the new Star Trek movie with friends (it was really good), and for some reason seeing a really good movie such as those done by J.J. Abrams gets me all existential and tonight is no exception.  Really I think seeing a good movie gets me focused and in the proper frame of mind to collect all the various thoughts about life and existence into a vaguely cohesive thought...weird, but true.  It's thought provoking watching the characters of the movie battle against external forces while balancing logic and emotion, but to what end?  Why do they fight so hard for survival and happiness?  Is it just another innate drive or are they motivated by other things they want?

I'm not sure how to articulate how that idea translates into the following train of thought...perhaps it's an ADHD thing, or maybe just the conversation I had just prior to the movie about what I want out of life, how to balance my short term emotional needs with my long term desires...but here goes.  It feels strange and terrifying to talk [write] about these things, even anonymously to an unknown audience, but I need to get it all out and this is as good a venue as any.  It's not my best quality, but I've always been the person who finds a way to get what I want.  I grew up in a less than optimal setting [emotionally, physically, and educationally], but I white knuckled it and somehow found ways to have hope for the future, and I survived.  A few close friends have commented over the years that they're amazed at my ability to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat, advocating for myself to get what I need.  I've been that way for such a long time; taking care of myself is all I've ever known.  While I've long cared for myself, doing so hasn't filled the emotional void left by a lacking childhood or erased the drive to find someone I trust to care for me and just be happy with.  Somehow I've always been able to stuff thoughts of that need and focus on the present, but lately it's become much harder to do so.  I find myself thinking about where life has brought me and while I'm not unhappy or ungrateful, I feel that sense of hope and the ability to survive on my own is quickly eroding.  Forcing circumstances to my will to get what I want isn't as easy as it used to be, and that skill can only take me so far...even if it was possible, I'd never want to force someone to love or take care of me.  So then what am I fighting for?  By no means is this an expression of complete hopelessness, but rather my genuine lack of understanding for my own motivations.  I have all sorts of needs...financial stability, safety, mentally stimulating tasks...but I don't want any of those things as much as I just want someone to love me.  I feel shameful even typing that, but who cares right?  I want someone with whom I can have a real connection where we provide for each others' needs...someone I can trust and care for who will in turn love and care for me in the ways I simply can't care for myself.  I want to come home to someone who will snuggle and doesn't mind that my feet feel like icicles or that sometimes (most of the time) I have trouble sitting still.  I want someone whose qualities balance my own.  I'm starting to doubt my ability to find that in the world, and that scares me.  I'm not a bad person and I have many positive qualities, but despite having a strong survival instinct, I lack the skills necessary to being vulnerable and finding what I want.  And I don't know how to get them.  Part of my conversation earlier today [technically yesterday] was about what I want long term and how to make temporary compromises to meet some of my emotional needs now.  The only comforting thing about that conversation was that the other person didn't think I was asking for too much to want someone attractive, intelligent, with whom I have amazing chemistry, and who has excellent social skills.  Everyone is so quick to point out that such an individual is rare in the population, but I want what I want.  But I don't know how to get what I want...I don't even know how to find the target of that desire.  And the few rare times when I can make any sort of connection with someone potentially worthy, it never works out [they don't want me].  There's nowhere for me to even go with the thought after it reaches this point...I spend so much energy desperately wanting something that I can't find and don't know how to bag, and the rest of my energy either trying to distract myself from the ensuing void or seeking a temporary fix to the problem (which is equally difficult to find).  Coming back around to the original thought, I think the solution lies in finding another way to address the issue.  I could make some parallels, but you'd all hate me because they'd be plot spoilers...bottom line is, I need to better understand my own motivations and think of new ways to address the need.  But without writers and a producer, I'm not sure how:/  Perhaps you've read this and thinking that it lacked cohesion and sounded ridiculous; this would normally be the time when I cosign myself, but I'm done apologizing for how I feel [at least for now].  I want what I want, and I need some help with this!

End of a Long Week

This week was crazy, y'all!  Sunday was the one year anniversary of my grandfather's passing, a friend's dad passed away, a favorite client's pet died, and then Monday one of the kids I spend a lot of time with got a serious head injury at school.  Ready for a drink!

Also...what did we all think of last night's Grey's Anatomy finale??  That show's jumped so many sharks it's officially a land shark, but still love it.  Kepner and Jackson def need to get together, and Arizona should run away as fast as her peg leg will take her and her ungrateful bitchy self. 

My Best Friend's Marriage

My best friend's marriage is stressing me out.  Seriously.  They've been married for just over a month and are the most wonderful couple, but must live apart right now due to his current military service, and she seems to be stressing really hardcore.  They love each other, and pretty much all he talks about lately is how much she makes him happy, he loves her, can't wait to see her, etc...they talk at least twice a day, and he is very devoted, even flying to see her every few weeks when possible.  But the last few nights he's expressed real fear over her irrational behavior, and I'm starting to get nervous for him.  I'm not married, and can't profess to know anything about anything, but I care deeply for them both and he is my very.best.friend, so it worries me.  I don't know what to say...I think perhaps she is depressed and doesn't realize it because I've always known her to be logical and rational, but she seems distant in our friendship lately, and what he describes sounds a lot like mood swings, irritability, and hostile attribution bias.  So either she's pregnant or depression is creeping in...either way, it's difficult for me to watch it play out knowing there's nothing I can do.  How do people conquer these things? 

Busy, Busy!

It's been a busy few days...I started my new work contract yesterday, and it's going well so far.  Well...except that I really, really hate sitting all day.  Really.  I've still got all the usual tasks on my plate, so I'm mostly just tired and busy, but it's nice that I'll be able to pay some bills next week.  I'm trying not to think about what will happen if I don't get the other job I'm in interview process with...it'd be nice not to restart the depression cycle.  Anywho...off to the gym to burn off some major poundage gained recently.

On Being Boring

So I've been looking back over old blog posts and have come to the conclusion that this blog isn't living up to the proper level of juiciness.  Well more specifically, I might be failing to live the most exciting life at the moment.  There's not necessarily anything wrong with a quieter lifestyle, but one of my goals in recent years has been to open myself up to all the thrilling experiences I was raised to shy away from.  It's not that I never take risks, and not everything makes the blog...but it's sort of average.  Maybe I should be spending less time cooking naked and more time flat ironing my hair in the bathtub.  Instead of exchanging a few curious messages with the really hot slutty resident who randomly messaged me on Match, perhaps I should be grabbing the bottle of Jack and a jumbo box of Durex and putting the vagina kettlebell lady (just google) to shame.  Of course that would defy everything I live by as a confident classy lady, but maybe I should be thinking less about safety and the future and more about right now.  All of this is on my mind as I anticipate seeing my european friend at the end of the month.  I really want to have fun and enjoy the moment, but I worry about overthinking the risks involved and backing down from the experience.  I just need to stop thinking things through and get outside of my comfort zone...gotta go do that now.  And some work:)

Naked Cooking and Other Musings

People who know me understand that I'm, like, the most responsible person on the planet.  Seriously.  Like a safety guru.  But times have been stressful, and I've loosened up a bit on some of life's smaller details...perhaps too much.  I found myself doing something really stupid today- naked cooking.  Now this had nothing to do with the nude cooking craze apparently rocking Britain (googling that will turn up a blog and some articles with NSFW photos of the practice).  My experience is more based on laziness/convenience.  I've got limited clothing to wear these days, and even further limited access to laundry facilities (thank you, downstairs neighbor with skethy bf!), and somehow I found myself hungry after deciding to shower and change, and I guess I just figured it'd be easier to cook first and shower later.  But then I found myself standing nude in front of my not-to-code oven waiting for the burner to ignite (yes, waiting), with a generous portion of coconut oil in the pan waiting to start popping, and it was then that I realized that I'd put myself in a unique position- to be featured on one of those idiot news segments made popular by morning talk-show hosts.  Cooking naked using hot oil and a faulty oven is totally normal, after all.  Right?  Even worse, the realization didn't lead me to put on clothes, but rather simply to wrap up in a blanket.  Fortunately my eggs turned out ok...a little runny, but my growing case of the hangries dictated immediate consumption.  I'll try to be more mindful in the future (or not), but having that realization of how stupid I was being was funny in the context of my generally safety-conscious [anxious] personality.  I worry about so many things, but yet I still do stupid sh*t on occasion, and no amount of anxiety can protect me from myself.  Guys, if you're ever hooking up with a chick whose nipples got burned off in a grease fire, maybe you'll have found me.*  But hopefully not. 

Even having suffered a brief lapse in judgment, my day's been pretty good.  Aside from the usual daily stuff, I had a really good conversation with the referral agent who found me the job that screwed me earlier this year/for whom I sometimes work.  I recently sent him a vaguely [terribly] unprofessional email venting my frustrations about not being able to find a job, and disclosing some residual emotions I have regarding the client who let me go.  The email was written in tears and with generally good intentions, but I'd sent a followup the following day apologizing for the weight of it, and hadn't heard back, so I called him to make sure he wasn't personally offended.  To my great relief, he was actually pretty cool about it and recognized that I was just venting and said I hadn't been inappropriate at all.  The email sparked a short discussion regarding the private service industry, and it made me feel good having an opportunity to be heard by someone with the most direct knowledge of what happened.  I was professional, but I felt my voice edge in an emotional direction a couple times...it was an appropriately vulnerable conversation.  Although I make it a habit not to vent to those I do business with, it was a positive interaction in the end, and gave me a bit of insight on him that will be helpful in our future dealings. 

I'm especially proud of myself because it's very difficult for me to be truly vulnerable personally or professionally, and while we didn't snuggle and discuss our girly feelings, it was a step.  Even though this blog is anonymous, I sometimes find myself censoring the true language of my feelings.  It's sad because everyone needs to be able to let go sometimes, and also because I try to be as real as possible here in the hopes that what I share will be meaningful to the reader.  And make you laugh.  Hopefully all you lurkers are enjoying what you read:) 

*Condolences to anyone reading who may have actually burned off any part of their body while cooking. 

It's a Great Day in the Neighborhood

Sick of all my whining yet (I am)?  So in the wake of all my depressing posts, a few positive things for once!  I've got a very promising job interview this week, a sweet two w$$k contract with a local finance company, and the hot guy with whom I had amazing chemistry in January is returning to the US next month and I absolutely plan on spending time with him.  Life is improving...it's difficult to get too hopeful because things haven't worked out in my favor recently, but crossing my fingers.  At the very least, I'll have hot sex with the European guy to make me feel better.  On that note, I've got to keep my girl feelings in check on that one...I know he isn't a relationship prospect by any means, but I've never had better chemistry with anyone, and I anticipate it will be difficult to say goodbye.  That'll probably be good for at least a few blog posts:)

Desperation: New Lows

Desperation is an ugly color on me.  I'm feeling really depressed about the job search and my mounting bills...it feels like I'll never find a consistent way of supporting myself, and I've stooped to a new low.  I started a GoFundMe page to try and get some help with my debt.  It's totally humiliating, and I can't bear to share it on Facebook yet, but in the absence of options, it's something to try.  Was supposed to work late tonight, but client cancelled, so now nothing to do but sit and watch the screen, hoping for some kind of miracle. 

Treat Him Mean, Keep Him Keen?

So I'm essentially housebound until I get another client, and ended up watching an awful movie on Netflix, where one of the main characters advises a less experienced female, "Treat him mean, keep him keen."  Catchy, but sounded awfully bitchy, so I googled it and apparently it's a thing.  Perhaps not exactly in the literal sense, but more in the vein of why men love bitches (read it!).  Is that my problem?  Have I been too loving, supportive, and available, and therefore caused the men I want to move on?

Back at It

It's Monday, I've slept in and caught up on House of Lies, and now it's time to continue the job search.  It's frustrating pursuing so many positions that never materialize, but the spring weather has me encouraged that perhaps something will come up soon.  I'm casting a wide net, but am really going to re conceptualize my job search towards my unique skills.  I'm a unique and valuable asset to any business, but getting the attention of the employers I want has proved difficult. 

I've also decided to take a break from actively trying to find someone online; my life situation has me a little depressed and not proud of myself, and I think it's counterproductive to put energy towards finding someone when I can't display the best version of myself.  Sorry this post is so short...gotta get to work!  Enjoy your day everyone!

Fear and [Self] Loathing

You know that moment you have sometimes when something you really hoped for doesn't work out, and you just fall effortlessly down the rabbit hole of self-doubt?  Yeah, so do I...just went on another first date with someone from an online dating site, and it was disappointing.  Nothing was terribly wrong with him per se, he just came across as lacking in confidence and not nearly assertive enough.  On the heels of my last day of most recent contract job and a bad phone interview, it really took my self-esteem down a few notches.  I've started to notice that two things take me down the rabbit hole- unsuccessful dates and lack of funds, and the more I try to fix these issues, the more discouraged I find myself.  My best friend just got married and stayed at my apt with his new wife for several days, and it was nice having them around to distract me from these woes, but real life is back and I'm a little afraid of falling backwards and getting really depressed and negative again.  Rather than focus on the negative, I should work on more permanent solutions to these problems.  It also doesn't help that I'm lonely and still thinking about both ex-love interest and the first year resident, although neither of them wanted to be with me in the end...it's easy to feel pathetic for still having any interest in either of them, but I'm starting to see that maybe I've turned a little desperate.  I'm starting to fear being alone and weird forever, since that's how guys seem to perceive me.  My therapist tells me that I should acknowledge unhelpful thoughts as I recognize them and cut the train of thought for any anxiety that I can't actively control in the moment.  It's been an effective strategy, so I'll sign off and think of other more positive things. 

Another One Bites The Dust

Alas I thought I'd met a guy with potential, but found the caveat last night: He lives in his dad's basement.  And didn't think to mention this until I was at the front door about to come in and meet his dad on my way downstairs to watch a movie with him.  It was mortifying...I handled the situation with a game face, but inside I was caught off guard.  While I wasn't wildly attracted to him, DD (Dubbed Danny DeVito by my best friend due to his height) was a really nice guy with whom I'd shared good conversation and a gentleman's good night kiss on our first three dates, and I was giving him a shot.  He is 35, gainfully employed, and apparently living with his dad while looking at houses (his last offer fell through).  That might've been ok if he'd given me a heads up...although I'm a little wary of anyone over the age of 25 still living with their parent(s) for anything short of noble reasons i.e. parent terminally ill.  So despite the surprise, I proceeded with the movie-watching plan seated on DD's futon/bed.  All summed up- DD was quite pleasant as usual, but didn't make a move, and I was distracted by the general bachelor (read: not clean) condition of things.  Don't get me wrong- it wasn't the worst lack of cleanliness ever, but it was a real problem.  DD walked me to my car and I thanked him for a nice evening, and then he went for the kiss.  It was brief, but long enough for me to determine DD's style of kissing to be incompatible with my own.  The whole thing was disappointing, mostly because he's such a nice guy and I was really hoping something could work out:/  I could question the whole situation further, but bottom line is that we're not a good match, and I'm back to square one and not excited about loneliness for the foreseeable future.  Words can't express how much I really want to find someone who falls reasonably within the net I'm casting and with whom I have undeniable chemistry...the kind of chemistry I have with the man I met at the end of January and uncharacteristically made out with in the center of a crowded upscale lounge (and who I plan on hooking up with the second he visits the US again).  Why can't I find that mutual chemistry with someone available?  I sound like a broken record, but when will it be my turn? 


Aside from that, life is in a holding pattern.  My March nannying contract was extended by one week which is good financially, and I have an application in for a nice position a friend has recommended me for...still fighting for stable solvency and it's not looking entirely impossible.  I've been able to generally brush my dad off my shoulder with all his fundamentalist rhetoric and unwanted suggestions, and not feeling guilty which is a plus.  Off to bed...hopefully I'll have good news when I update next. 

Remind Me...

It's late and I'm tired, but I remembered something I didn't want to tonight, and I need to over analyze it later for the blog. 

That Night When...

That night when:
-I got wasted on three Sangrias (don't worry it came off as buzzed)
-I was easily suggested into dropping a $10 bill in the tip hat in exchange for requesting that the cover band play "Sweet Caroline;"  (My date said the guy was joking and would've done it for a $1)
-I somehow still managed to navigate my date and I to the pastry place that sells croissants out the back door at night...obviously my priorities are in order
-Coughed a lot throughout the evening (feeling highly afflicted by allergy season)
-Had two women try to pick me up in the ladies room of the bar; they were actually very nice ladies, I just prefer penis.  100% of the time.
-Had my first ever peck-on-the-lips kiss good night...probably a good move, since it was freezing outside and I'm in more of a snuggle-and-pass-out mood as opposed to making out. 

Possibly I may recall more relevant highlights in the morning, but those are the details you get for now.  I'd give the date an 8...everything was good, but I don't feel the same level of chemistry as I do with French guy. 

My Face is Red

Note to self...don't paste something sexual into fb chat that you're still testing in spanishdict for proper conjugation; you might accidentally confuse fb chat with the dictionary tool and click enter, sending someone an awkwardly conjugated come-on:0

Good Enough?

Let's talk about expectations in the dating world, specifically our expectations for who and what a potential partner is.  I'll cut to the chase here and say that I'm in the catch 22 of not feeling good enough for the men that I like, but being unable to find a "lesser" possibility attractive (and I've tried!)  I did some googling on this issue and it seems that much of the available wisdom on this topic is directed at men who need to be more confident to land and have sex with higher quality women, but while that advice might give me the inside track to the male's evolutionary "role" in relationships, it isn't helpful for me.  What can I do to be more attractive to the kinds of men I want to be with?  It's not that I can't find attractive men who want to have sex with me (I typically don't), it's that my dream guy wants his dream equal and I don't fit into that category.  This isn't said in a self deprecating way, but rather out of a desire to find happiness and the realization that when I do occasionally find someone I really like, I've started to look for the caveat (married or otherwise unavailable).  I don't hate men by any means, but I've noticed that unavailable and/or asshole guys tend to be attracted to me, and it's made me more suspicious.  Is there really such a thing as not being good enough? 

Stupid Girl Anxieties

I'm feeling especially grateful right now to have this venue to air out my silly girl nervousness...I might be 28, but I'm behind the curve compared with my peers when it comes to boys and relationships.  So I'm trying to set up a third date with the guy I met online; I normally don't like movie dates, but I purposely suggested one because I want to leave a level opening for him to kiss me, which is difficult to do when standing six inches taller than one's date.  But he didn't like the movies I suggested, and vice versa, so he suggested bowling.  I'm ok with bowling, but feeling really nervous now, because I overthink everything, and first kiss situations are top of that list.  I don't want another awkward goodbye hug at the car, and I don't want to have to make the move.  So what the heck's a girl in my position supposed to do??  I might be able to play it cool in a variety of situations, but situations like this highlight the fact that deep down, I'm a nervous, lonely little girl who's terrified of feeling vulnerable, and that's difficult to admit.  There I said it.  Thoughts? 

Weekend in Review

Gotta say, this weekend has been awesome!  My best friend flew up from the Naval base where he lives to see his gf on Friday, and as an added bonus, two of our other Navy friends drove up from a closer base where they're stationed, and then the three of us drove to meet the two of them at a semi-local ski resort.  It was short, but a nice reunion for everyone.  The highlights include me going snow tubing for the first time, playing 2am tag through the halls of the hotel, the girls "borrowing" an unattended birthday cake leftover in one of the conference rooms (and us passing it out to random people), and a trip to Cracker Barrel this morning.    It was wonderful to see my bestie again (hadn't seen him since Christmas!), and it was really good spending time with my other Navy friends, especially since I hadn't seen any of them since things went south with my second love interest who is their friend; it's reassuring that we can all hang out normally and have a nice time.  I'm back home now and everyone's gone home, so it's tempting to give in to missing them, but I'm too tired to focus on that, so I'm just relaxing and thinking about when we can all do another trip.  This weekend wasn't expensive at all, and I realized that while I don't have many friends, these are good people, the kind of people I really enjoy quality time with.  Now that they're stationed within a few hours drive, I'm hoping to see them more frequently for quality time and fun adventures. 

Chugging Along

Hi everyone!  I wanted to update [all six of you] on recent developments. 
I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower at the advice of my friend and Dermatologist, who told me that just like the female lead, I've been accepting the love I think I deserve; the movie was good and you should all watch it.  I've been going out on a few dates stemming from hours of online dating profile adjustments, and I've met someone nice.  He's very nice, we have good conversation, and I'm hoping that he'll make a move soon, but the good night kiss is challenging because he is 6 inches shorter than I am.  I also still talk to the well known intellectual that I met on my January excursion in DC.  I'm not ashamed to say that he is hot, and I'd love to hook up with him when he visits the US again.  Which I'd like to be sooner rather than later, because I haven't gotten any in forever, and I can honestly say that we had the best chemistry I've ever had.  Ever.  With anyone.  Too bad he's not interested in a relationship, because I'd be all over that idea.  I have a temporary nannying contract for the month taking care of an infant forty hours a week, and it's going well.  Last but not least, I'm going to see my best friend this weekend!!  He is going to visit his gf in another state, and I'm going to meet them and several others at a ski resort.  I'm excited to see him, but a little nervous to meet the gf...she and I talk regularly, and I really like her, but there's definitely some pressure on the trip.  It's also a little difficult sharing my best friend.  I like that he devotes so much time to her, but it feels a little weird that she wants to be my friend.  I feel so guilty because I actually really like her, and want to be friends, but it requires a lot of energy to talk to her so often, and I worry about her trying to share bff territory with him.  Not sure how to express what I mean, but it's nice to have a new friend although a little overwhelming.  That's all for now folks; off to sleep alone.

Sad Face

You know how sometimes you just need someone to hold you and tell you everything's going to be ok?  Yeah, I had that kind of day:(  I'm too exhausted to vent it all out right now, but being alone is growing old, and desperate is an ugly color on me.  I'm blessed with many wonderful friends, but somehow it's not the same as having mom or a partner...and I've never really had either.  Taking care of myself all the time is feeling old.

Desperate is an Ugly Color

Like the title says, desperate is not a good look for me.  No one likes someone lacking in confidence; people who lack options don't garner meaningful connections looking desperate.  Life has been really difficult for me recently, and it's been hard readjusting to instability financially and professionally.  A bit of job loss depression is normal, and given how well things were going before my job ended, the whole thing is a hard pill to swallow.  Being professionally well-off and thinking it was long-term made me feel good about myself...it was nice not having to worry so much about little things, and the job came with some long overdue professional respect.  It's easy for me to feel like I lack real value to employers and potential suitors when I don't have stability or respect or the ability to maintain a relationship with someone attractive, intelligent, and reasonably successful...I feel like I'm not good enough for what I want, and I've hit that point where I really need something to work out.  Just for once, get the guy or the job, or something to refill my emotional tank.  It's not even about money so much as feeling stuck and realizing that I don't want to appear as desperate as I feel on the inside.  Hypotheticals don't really serve much purpose, but I feel like I wouldn't be so bad off if the job blow hadn't been immediately followed up by the ex in another city getting my hopes up (I really thought I was over him) and then totally blowing me off.  I wasn't ready for another crushing disappointment, and I don't know that there's an easy solution...and I can't really talk to anyone about it because I end up feeling like an idiot for allowing even a shred of hope that he would make an effort.  Knowing all of that, I'd pick up the phone in a heartbeat if he called, and that puts me well into desperation territory.  I've got to find a way to collect the broken pieces of my heart/dignity/self esteem and move forward, but it's hard to do that when I see no viable options on the horizon and feel like a jobless, directionless loser. 

Finally!

Sorry I've been away for so long...a lot has happened, and I've wanted to update, but have been busy and experiencing problems signing in (thank multiple sign in).  In a nutshell- new FT client let me go (a totally cowardly ambush), ex LI came back and said he regretted breaking up (but then lacked any follow through), and I'm currently lacking enough employment, depressed, and no closer to having my hip repaired.  But life isn't all bad...I finished the painting project in my apt (finally!!) and finally have time to do things for myself since I'm not working 70 hour weeks anymore.  I'm moving past the job disappointment, but the ex LI thing is a hard pill to swallow.  He's being an asshole (and I'm pretty understanding), but I somehow still like him.  I watched a video of military people returning and greeting their understandably excited family members; my second thought was that I'd love to have someone that loves me that much:/  Guess I'll be needing to fill my time with other things in the meantime and keep hoping:/  More soon.

Lost My Job

Ugh...just when life was starting to work out for once.  I'm reeling, but I'll survive; I believe I was likely hired and purposely led to believe that the position was long-term, when in fact they only wanted me temporarily.  It's disappointing because they could've been honest with me and I would've agreed to a temp position, but they led me on and let me go; the client didn't even have the decency to be present because apparently it was too emotional for her, so she had someone else ambush me and fire me.  It's disappointing, but I'm just trying to be thankful that I paid some bills while I had the job, and that karma's a bitch.  At least I'll have time now to take basic care of myself.  FML

My Favorite Blonde Children

There are two kids I hang out with on a regular basis and over time, I've started referring to them as my favorite blonde children.  They're amazing tweens, and I invest a lot of time in them.  Lately I've been feeling especially isolated from people my own age since I work so much and that's led me to recently question whether I should spend less time with them and try to widen my circle of friends.  But the second I started thinking about that, invites from people my own age to do fun things started pouring into my inbox and facebook events page, reminding me that it was only a temporary lull.  But more importantly, I've just come to the realization that my life has come full circle.  When I was 13 and working at a summer camp I met a wonderful lady with whom I've been friends ever since.  She was and is very supportive, and is primarily responsible for me turning out as a relatively well-functioning, college-educated adult.  All of that happened because she gave me huge quantities of her time over the years.  I definitely appreciated it then, but I have more perspective on some of the things she sacrificed at that time to be available to me.  The other night, I chose to go hang out with the kids after work instead of accepting a social invite from an acquaintance and realized that I didn't feel guilty at all.  I also don't feel guilty about the fact that my favorite blonde children receive more of my time than any of the other wonderful kids I know.  And I feel 100% confident that I'm doing the right thing because it's exactly what someone did for me when I was their age.  That sounds like such an old person thing to say, but I feel very fortunate to have had someone and to be able to give to these kids, because they don't have nearly as many positive adult resources as any of the other children I know, and they've come to view me as a constant in their lives.  And so I've evolved into the young childless adult who listens and helps with homework and gives more lectures than they'd prefer, but whose phone rings off the hook if I don't appear at their house often enough.  It's really scary to stop and think about how much older I am, and how parental I've become, but they're worth it.  That's probably enough nostalgia for now...busy day tomorrow, and short on sleep.  Good night:)

Happy New Year

Happy New Year Everyone!! 

I'm a little behind the curve here, but it's still 2013 so I'm not too late.  2013 has been a good year so far despite spending the first few hours of the New Year in the emergency room getting a cut closed up.  My resolution for the year is to find peace and relaxation, preferably in a way that alleviates some of my anxiety.  What are/were your New Year's resolutions?