Sandy is a Bitch

...and is NOT invited to dinner.  But I think she's going to crash the party anyway:(  Sitting in a client's house (surrounded by tall trees) and feeling prematurely bored, so thought I'd post.  I've stocked up on food and eggnog (which I can chug if power goes out), purchased a 1000 piece puzzle, and looked at all the pics from my friend's epic annual halloween party two days ago.  Stay safe all my eastern seaboard folks!

Putting it on the Line

I'm going to put it all out there.  With new guy.  I'm nervous about the timing of it, but I feel like now is the window of time that I have, and I need to say how I feel and give him an opportunity to respond before it's too late and I haven't put it out there.  There are so many circumstances (time, distance, the military) that make things not ideal, but I really like him and I think about it a lot...I've realized I'm dreaming about him and waking up feeling a sense of urgency.  I still have some lingering feelings about ex LI, but I'm realizing that if things were exclusive with new guy I could lose ex LI's number in an instant and not look back.  Maybe it's the wrong play, but I can't wait any longer...I'm fearful that if I don't say anything now, it'll be January and new guy will be getting ready to ship off somewhere new and the moment will have come and gone.

I Need Motivation

I need some motivation and support right now.  I'm so blessed with many things, but right now my world feels very small, and there are some basic things I need to do to better my situation that I'm having difficulty with.  I shouldn't be so extrinsically motivated, but it's difficult staying motivated all the time when I've always spent all my energy caring for myself and making everything work.  Here are the things I need to do:

1. Come up with the $80 I need to send in with my GRE application fee reduction waiver by the end of this month, fill out the forms, and mail it in.
2. Study at least 4 days a week for the test once I mail in the forms.
3. Contact a nannying agency, send them my resume, and get a better job.
4. Finish all the tedious touch-up painting in my bedroom, re hang the blinds, get another closet door mirror, and finally unpack my stuff.
5. Somehow also pay all my other bills.
6. Stop procrastinating the gym

I need to accomplish all of these things, but I feel stuck.  I used to feel so motivated when I went to therapy, but I had to stop in August because I can't even afford the pro ration right now.  I want to be able to have a relationship, use my mind for something interesting, and not feel stressed about so many things, but I have to take these basic steps or it won't happen.  Ugh.

Alcohol Times with Russians

Last night was a pretty fun time.  In July, I went to a friend's Peruvian Day party and among the attendees were these two Russian girls (my bff almost went home with one of them, but besides the point).  So one of them is moving to NYC and the going away party was last night at a popular city bar.  I debated even going because I don't know her well, but I decided to bring my [man slut friend] Bob along and dip out if it wasn't a good time.  So the turnout for this girl's going away was on the low side, but we found ourselves having a really nice time, and Bob agreed to be the driver so I could drink.  I wasn't really planning to drink, but the vibe was right so I let myself have a few beers.  After most people left and we were all still socializing, they invited us and their remaining other [male] friend to come back to their apartment with them and continue drinking.  Bob agreed that it might be fun, so we made our way to their place.  (I was quite "fun drunk" already)  So back at their place they broke out the vodka...we had vodka screwdrivers, then I finished an opened bottle of wine, and possibly drank a few more collective beers...possibly, because I tend to steal others' already opened drinks when I'm drunk and the amount becomes difficult to measure.  They put on music and graciously played all our requests (Mickey Avalon My Dick!!), and at some point we all ended up salsa dancing in their tiny kitchen.  Also my Russian friends can *drink* vodka...as in unaffected by straight vodka shots.  Eventually 2am rolled around and the one girl was totes trying to sleep with Bob (he wasn't really into her), and we left on a good note.  Now I'd picked up Bob from his house and the original plan was for me to drop him back off and drive home, but by this point it was apparent that sobriety was beyond the evening's reach for me, so I asked Bob to just come back to my house and he could stay the night, be dropped back at his place in the morning.  I really took a gamble here, because I have a rule about not sleeping in the same bed as any guy I wouldn't fool around with, and Bob and I have fooled around on two occasions (both of which I wasn't super into and really regretted).  But surprisingly [thankfully] nothing happened.  Bob drove my drunk ass home with a good sense of humor and we went to sleep...not even any snuggling.  I vaguely remember resting my icy feet on his leg initially because they were so cold, but it wasn't anything and we both fell asleep pretty quickly...which is difficult when the world is spinning.    I need to be sure not to get too complacent with Bob though, because even though nothing happened this time, he seems to make a move when I least expect it.  It wasn't anything, but part of me also feels a little disappointed in myself for basically bringing him home and putting myself in a position where something could've happened that I'd regret...it's playing with fire.  Besides the bitchin' day-long headache, it was a successful night!

Almost

Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades...it's what my best friend on earth is always so quick to tell me.  It used to annoy me, but now I like when he says it and I've gone ahead and incorporated it into my phraseology.  I feel like almost has recently become a too-familiar word in my vocabulary...I often have almost enough money, almost get to see someone, almost make it to a goal.  I'm feeling a bit demotivated right now despite the fact I accomplished some good things today (work and lots of painting).  It's easy to lose sight of my small accomplishments because I feel like I've been behind for so long on so many things, haven't gotten what I want in a little while.  Is the real problem that I want things I can't have?  I wanted to go see ex-LI tomorrow and we discussed it, but he hasn't gotten back to me since our last talk; I'm annoyed, but mostly disappointed because dumb or not, I really wanted it even though I'm thinking it will probably never work out.  I'm disappointed for wanting it at all, because what I really want is to see new guy, which also isn't possible right now.  I wanted to go to the non conference this weekend, but alas it was beyond my reach (I do hope all the attendees had a blast!)  I wanted to have taken the GRE by now, but I just didn't get things together and still haven't been able to make it happen...I can't afford it even with the voucher, which demotivates my studying.  I almost got to see my bff, but he got a flat tire on his way up and had to turn around.  It'd be nice to turn things around and make a comeback instead of having so many almosts. 

Being a Server F*%$#@! Sucks

I did my first shift as a server at a country club this evening; it fucking sucks.  It was a slow night, but it was so boring and tedious:/  Hopefully it'll be more fun when I'm done shadowing and know what I should be doing/am doing something.  It was also awkward running into people from skating (some not nice people at that) and feeling looked down upon.  Icing on the cake is leaving late at night and having nothing to do afterward and no one to come home to.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

When you least expect it...

My mischievous side strikes.  Mwahahaha.  I topped off a good day with a hilarious prank on a friend at game night, something I've always wanted to do but never had the cajones to do.  I changed a number of the names in her phone's contacts to "tits."  (I did my best to avoid altering anyone work related)  It was surprisingly easy...no one has ever allowed me to play with their phone for such a long period of time, especially with me chuckling uncontrollably.  It might sound mean, but she has a sense of humor and found it generally funny, was able to put back most of them, and (and if she thinks critically) she can use backup assistant for the rest.  Today was a good day, but also a reminder that I get into trouble when I get bored.  Also I need to look over my shoulder, because I'm pretty sure she's coming hard.

Counting with Alcohol

1. I'm drunk
2. It's Monday pm, but it's ok because I went out with a friend and only had a couple beers (drinking alone is no good)
3. I miss my best friend who is in the Navy and hasn't been able to visit in a few months:(
4. I miss new guy for many reasons, the most relevant of which is that he's not in my bed right now for me to snuggle up to and fall asleep with:((
5. I'm a good speller when I'm intoxicated; it's just my motor coordination and attentional skills that suffer.  My vestibular sense is the first to go.
6. ALcohol is nice, but it makes me even less censored and brings to the front of my consciousness all the things that make me happy but I can't have right now.
7. WHy is my punctuation inconsistent right now??
8. I look hot right now because I wore real clothes instead of my go-to athletic wear...but I can't post a pic because I have to protect my anonymity.   I'm not even sure if I spelled that right.
9. FOr some reason I'm thinking about baby hamsters
10. I have ADHD and it really comes out when I drink.
11. (it's a baker's 10) I like my blog followers and hope they don't hold this drunken post against me

While I Wait

I'm enjoying a beautiful fall morning in joyously lazy fashion...slept in, stretched, enjoyed a hot bowl of oat bran (the actual bran, not some crappy cereal).  While I wait for last night's episode of Homeland to buffer (I'd buy it if they made it available for purchase!) I thought I'd update you all on the post break-up happenings with love-interest- in-other-city (should I come up with an abbreviation for him?)  We aren't together, but he promised me he wouldn't just go away forever and he's kept that promise by calling every couple weeks.  There was initial awkwardness during the first convo after the break up, but it has faded and we've had a couple nice conversations.  So he called yesterday and we caught up about life/work/etc.  Even though we're not together, things still feel familiar, and the conversation occasionally takes on a flirty tone.  We've discussed hanging out next weekend, and I have to say I'm really hoping it works out.  Deep down, I know that this is probably not the healthiest relationship to keep going, but it's difficult for me to let go because I still have some feelings for him, and I don't have a solid commitment from anyone else.  The problem with ex LI is that he gets a pretty sweet deal...he holds all the power in terms of us talking when he is available, determining when he is able to get together, etc.  Not much has really changed between us, except that neither of us has any continued obligation to the other.  I'm a little ashamed to still be entertaining him, especially as the person with less power in this dynamic.  I'm not an idiot who can't see what's happening here; I'm knowingly allowing it to occur:(  My gut tells me that two outcomes are likely here- either we continue as we have been, in limbo, talking but not seeing each other, and it lags indefinitely, or we get together and something happens, and one of us (me) ends up unhappy with the situation.  Mind you I'm the curious sort, which means this will likely be a hard lesson.  I'm sort of seeing someone in another (further) city, but that relationship is still too new to define, and new guy is in the military, so not sure whether we can make it work once he goes to his next station.  I feel like this whole scenario says something bad about me as a person if I let it continue playing out like this.  It says that I seek out men who are unable or unwilling to meet my needs, and that I'm scared to be alone.  I've never been unhappy being alone, but it grows increasingly difficult, and that sets me up to make potentially bad decisions.  That said, I refuse to feel guilty about entertaining ex LI despite new guy's presence.  New guy and I aren't at a point where I'm justified to put any pressure on him for a commitment, and the logistics of the situation are difficult.  I'm afraid of putting all my hopes and energy into that basket and then getting hurt again if it doesn't work out.  Wow...that statement really sums up the whole dilemma.  Homeland calls my name; hasta luego.

Gross

It takes a lot to gross me out, but this video made me want to be sick.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZT0R0AsPQ4&feature=player_embedded

The video looks terrifying.  I've had some time to process everything and find lots of information regarding how other people tend to respond to the procedure; I feel calmer, but still very scared and unsure what to do.  The difficulty with this decision is that it involves a lot of pain and needles (not my favorite), and I have to do something...doing nothing in this case constitutes a conscious decision with its own set of health consequences, which makes it difficult to ascertain the situation with least risk.

On a lighter note, I had a wonderful time working a wedding this evening.  I'm not a huge wedding person, but I enjoy parties with alcohol and dancing, and it was a fun atmosphere.

Reeling

I'm currently reeling from the shock of finding out that I need to have hip surgery for a labral tear.  With 4-6 weeks on crutches and 6 month recovery time, it presents a huge financial strain that I have no idea how to address.  And that's besides the more basic fears such as worrying about never waking up from anesthesia.  I've had anesthesia once before and it was very scary...time ceases to exist when you're out, very differently than when you go to sleep.  I meet with surgical consults soon...trying to stay calm and not let stress get the best of me because stress isn't good for my health. 

Spilled Milk

So I'm feeling horribly guilty and disappointed in myself.  I said something inexcusably mean to someone in frustration, and it was hurtful.  I put myself in a position to be worn down by the individual, and some hurtful words popped into my head.  I don't think it was about the hurtful words (I really didn't mean them!), but rather about having that person see that I can think of mean things to say when I want to, and that they were touching a nerve.  The filter caught it the first time, but the person asked me what I was going to say...I refused initially, but finally repeated what the filter had caught...a very bad move.  I apologized and we discussed it, but I don't think it will be forgotten for a very long time if ever.  More than what I said, I'm disappointed in myself for being in a situation where this could play out; I think it demonstrates a lack of outlet and a building frustration.  Folks who know me can vouch for the fact that although I sometimes say insensitive things unintentionally, I rarely say anything mean or intentionally hurtful to anyone, and it really goes against my personality.  At least prior to tonight.  There's not much else I can do, except work at the root of the issue to avoid it ever happening again.

On a non related note, I've signed this blog up for a Google Adsense account, but I'm pretty new to all this and not sure how readers feel about these ads on blogs like this.  Do you guys mind ads on blogs or do you avoid blogs that display ads?  I welcome feedback regarding this decision (especially since ads aren't displaying yet) and would certainly consider cancelling the account if ads will drive you all nuts.  Because the readers [you!] come first:)

The Waters are Muddy

Not sure if you all remember "Love interest in nearby city," but he called me tonight and I have mixed feelings about it.  We ended things a few weeks ago because he was not able to be present in the relationship since he's overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a first-year resident. We agreed to keep in touch (yes, I really did ask him if he was going to just never call me again and he assured me at the time that he'd keep in contact), but I hadn't heard anything from him since that night and was beginning to wonder if he was in the wind.  But he called me tonight after finishing his shift, and we had a chance to catch up.  I happy to hear from him (if a little shocked), but I felt a slight air of awkwardness.  I'm not sure if it was simply the fact that we're not together, or the unspoken feeling that we're both sort of keeping it as a safe option for future reference, or just my feelings for the new guy.  At some point in the conversation I asked him if he was dating anyone and he said he isn't; he asked me the question in return and I said no.  I felt a little funny saying no (especially considering the fact that I just got back from driving seven hours to spend a long weekend with new guy), but then again new guy and I haven't had the "exclusivity" conversation yet.  I said I'd been out on a couple dates but was doubtful about whether or not there were lasting possibilities.  I didn't say anything untrue, so why do I feel like I just lied to ex-love-interest?  I haven't taken the time to thoroughly over-analyze my feelings on the subject, but while we were talking I thought about new guy and how I feel about him.  The waters feel rather muddy at this point because I still feel somewhat [deeply] hurt by the outcome of things with "love interest," but I don't hold it against him and I want to continue having him in my life to some degree.  But I also feel very strongly for new guy, who I feel a very natural connection with, and who has never hurt my feelings.  I want to be above board with both of them, but where previously I felt a little torn between love interest and new guy, I now feel a strong urge to lock it down with new guy and move forward.  I really like new guy, and I sense that it may come to a hard letting go of love interest in deference to new guy.

[Awesome segue here]  The other thing I've been thinking about is feedback from a friend of mine with whom I discussed my weekend with new guy.  She [sort of] jokingly said that she was disappointed in me for having sex with new guy so soon, that it would've been better to save it for another time.  Normally I might agree, but even with distance as a factor, I don't feel like it was rushed.  New guy is the only person I've ever been with where I didn't feel differently than I expected after being with him.  In the past, I've always reminded myself that no matter how I think I'll feel about having sex with someone, there are always unexpected and sometimes temporarily overwhelming emotions that follow, and this was the first time that wasn't the case.  It just felt like a relaxed progression, safe and positive all around.  I know I sound like *such* a girl right now, but I don't know how else to describe it.  I feel very comfortable with new guy, and I'm really hoping that things will continue to work.  I'm trying not to daydream too much about the potential future with new guy, because he'll be moving to a different station sometime end of January or early February, and I worry that things will end if there's too much distance.  The only option for getting to come with someone in the military is to marry them, and even if things are great, I don't think we will have known each other long enough for that to be even a remote possibility.  There aren't any answers to be had speculating, but I'll definitely be thinking about his warm, safe, snuggly body as I drift off to sleep.

Food for Thought

So it's been a hectic few days and I've been remiss with my blogging duties, but I'm back.  I had a wonderful time away, and I feel cautiously optimistic/hopeful/really-must-work-out about the guy.  I've also had the opportunity to reconnect with several old friends, and it's been wonderful hearing what's going on in their lives.  It's crazy how things can change over time, and it's nice to come back together and be in the same place where we can relate in ways that previously weren't possible.  One of these friends and I went for a long hike today and talked about our lives, particularly about the evolving place of God and faith and religious practice, and I was pleasantly surprised/humbled by our conversation.  This friend used to be one of the most devout Christian people I know, but she's really explored for herself and lives very differently now.  Not that she doesn't believe in God, but she shared that her idea of who God is has evolved into something very different than she previously believed.  It was a necessary conversation, especially given my post a few weeks ago http://thebloggerincognito.blogspot.com/2012/08/value-judgment-soup.html where I discussed a few controversial value judgments relating to Christianity.  I haven't fully processed the conversation yet, but it feels good to know that I'm not the only one feeling disillusioned with faith and religion.

Also I have a job interview for a well-paid but inconveniently scheduled FT nannying job.  I'm feeling a little nervous about the requested level of commitment, but going to go prepared and see what happens.  Hopefully the client will agree to a trial period so we can see if it works for us.