Thursday, February 28, 2013
You know how sometimes you just need someone to hold you and tell you everything's going to be ok? Yeah, I had that kind of day:( I'm too exhausted to vent it all out right now, but being alone is growing old, and desperate is an ugly color on me. I'm blessed with many wonderful friends, but somehow it's not the same as having mom or a partner...and I've never really had either. Taking care of myself all the time is feeling old.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Like the title says, desperate is not a good look for me. No one likes someone lacking in confidence; people who lack options don't garner meaningful connections looking desperate. Life has been really difficult for me recently, and it's been hard readjusting to instability financially and professionally. A bit of job loss depression is normal, and given how well things were going before my job ended, the whole thing is a hard pill to swallow. Being professionally well-off and thinking it was long-term made me feel good about myself...it was nice not having to worry so much about little things, and the job came with some long overdue professional respect. It's easy for me to feel like I lack real value to employers and potential suitors when I don't have stability or respect or the ability to maintain a relationship with someone attractive, intelligent, and reasonably successful...I feel like I'm not good enough for what I want, and I've hit that point where I really need something to work out. Just for once, get the guy or the job, or something to refill my emotional tank. It's not even about money so much as feeling stuck and realizing that I don't want to appear as desperate as I feel on the inside. Hypotheticals don't really serve much purpose, but I feel like I wouldn't be so bad off if the job blow hadn't been immediately followed up by the ex in another city getting my hopes up (I really thought I was over him) and then totally blowing me off. I wasn't ready for another crushing disappointment, and I don't know that there's an easy solution...and I can't really talk to anyone about it because I end up feeling like an idiot for allowing even a shred of hope that he would make an effort. Knowing all of that, I'd pick up the phone in a heartbeat if he called, and that puts me well into desperation territory. I've got to find a way to collect the broken pieces of my heart/dignity/self esteem and move forward, but it's hard to do that when I see no viable options on the horizon and feel like a jobless, directionless loser.
Sorry I've been away for so long...a lot has happened, and I've wanted to update, but have been busy and experiencing problems signing in (thank multiple sign in). In a nutshell- new FT client let me go (a totally cowardly ambush), ex LI came back and said he regretted breaking up (but then lacked any follow through), and I'm currently lacking enough employment, depressed, and no closer to having my hip repaired. But life isn't all bad...I finished the painting project in my apt (finally!!) and finally have time to do things for myself since I'm not working 70 hour weeks anymore. I'm moving past the job disappointment, but the ex LI thing is a hard pill to swallow. He's being an asshole (and I'm pretty understanding), but I somehow still like him. I watched a video of military people returning and greeting their understandably excited family members; my second thought was that I'd love to have someone that loves me that much:/ Guess I'll be needing to fill my time with other things in the meantime and keep hoping:/ More soon.