Post- Hanukkah Serious Thoughts

Hi everyone,

This is out of the normal subject coverage of my blog, but it's been on my mind since Hanukkah.  I'm culturally Jewish and practice very loosely, although I was raised in an still practice the Christian faith to some extent.  I wasn't really raised with much Jewish tradition, but I know and have picked up enough to feel a sense of belonging.  Anyway, around Hanukkah time, I stayed at a client's house who is Jewish and noticed that the client has a new star of david necklace hanging up.  It was attractive and relatively stylish, definitely something I'd wear.  But as I was thinking about asking where it was purchased so I could pick one up, I realized that I wouldn't feel comfortable wearing it out and so openly identifying myself as Jewish.  So I googled on the matter and found this blog post: http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/when-to-wear-your-star-of-david/

I was pleasantly surprised that I'm not the only one who feels a little uncomfortable with it.  But beyond that, I'm not sure I would ever want to wear a symbol that Jewish people were required to wear during Holocaust times.  People seem to have forgotten (Urban outfitters remembers) that not too long ago, folks were being labeled with yellow stars and being carted off to die, and I don't understand how anyone could feel ok wearing the symbol.  Am I being too paranoid about this?  Maybe I should stick with the hamsa.

Tired But Happy

So the new job is going well...I worked 14.5 hours today, but happy and felt valued and productive.  I have a feeling I'll be giving my life over to work for the next year or two, but hopefully it'll pay off nicely.  I feel blessed to have a good job doing something I enjoy with future growth potential. 

Brief update on everything else- things between new guy and I crashed and burned about three weeks ago, or more accurately he did some things that made me unable to avoid the fact I was his option, and lacking the strength to just stop talking to him I pushed the situation to it's end.  Nothing too awful happened and it's for the best.  It's kind of a bummer, but I'm learning that I'm longsuffering compared to the next girl- I'll work with a crazy schedule or long distance, but if someone can manage to get me *truly* angry or violate my trust in any way, it's over in a jiffy.  I don't harbor negative feelings per se, but the whole experience has left me feeling a little strange.

Also excited that my bff is coming home on leave for Christmas, which means we'll get some quality face time!!!

Love My New Job

Hey everyone!  I hope you haven't all given up on me by now...sorry I've been m.i.a.  I've been working roughly 60 (odd) hours a week at my new job!  Just got my first full paycheck and it is going a LONG way to help alleviating my stress.  Hopefully after next week I'll be out of the giant financial hole and able to start beefing up my work wardrobe so I won't have to do laundry every other night.  I hope you're all enjoying a nice holiday season!!

Turning Around

Sorry it's been so long since I last posted; I've been working A LOT!!  Things have been pretty stressful financially, but I just landed an exceedingly well paying job that lies within the realm of what I do for my own business, except taxes will be deducted.  It's surreal and has the potential to change my life in some huge ways.  I'll be working pretty much non stop throughout December, but will try to post updates when I can.  Thank God for the 1%!

Life Goes On

Everything feels really messed up right now...seems like there are disappointments at every turn.  Finding another job or additional clients is taking a lot longer than I'd imagined, and in the meantime I have bills piling up and creditors calling my phone.  Things with new LI are ok (even since the botched talk about how we feel), but I'm itching to see him; he invited me to come along on a possible trip with him and the guys, but it seems to have fallen through (not his doing).  I'm not young anymore and life isn't supposed to be like this- I haven't achieved anything I need to achieve, I'm broke, drowning in debt, and nowhere close to a solution.  It's easy to feel demotivated and lacking hope, but there's not much to do other than keep trying.  I've always had difficulty dealing with change and dealing with lag time on anything, and I have a feeling that upcoming opportunities are going to come with necessary compromises.  I'm hoping I can stay focused on the end game and make the necessary compromises in order to alleviate the major stress that [lack of] money is putting on me. 

Post Office

I lost control at the post office today.  And screamed obscenities at the employee.  She deserved it, but that doesn't make it ok.  Further update later.

Such Good Friends [Sarcasm]

Nothing like having 6 people (some children) this week ask me (seriously) if I'm pregnant.  And certainly nothing like two of them telling me that I have "that glow."  And nothing at all like my best friend and others jokingly playing up my neuroticism about the issue.  I'm 99% sure I'm not...but there was a very small accident.  Either way I must be getting fat, which means I need to kick things up a notch.  I'm resisting the urge to go buy a pregnancy test because I can't afford one.  This whole scenario could make me cry.

Sandy is a Bitch

...and is NOT invited to dinner.  But I think she's going to crash the party anyway:(  Sitting in a client's house (surrounded by tall trees) and feeling prematurely bored, so thought I'd post.  I've stocked up on food and eggnog (which I can chug if power goes out), purchased a 1000 piece puzzle, and looked at all the pics from my friend's epic annual halloween party two days ago.  Stay safe all my eastern seaboard folks!

Putting it on the Line

I'm going to put it all out there.  With new guy.  I'm nervous about the timing of it, but I feel like now is the window of time that I have, and I need to say how I feel and give him an opportunity to respond before it's too late and I haven't put it out there.  There are so many circumstances (time, distance, the military) that make things not ideal, but I really like him and I think about it a lot...I've realized I'm dreaming about him and waking up feeling a sense of urgency.  I still have some lingering feelings about ex LI, but I'm realizing that if things were exclusive with new guy I could lose ex LI's number in an instant and not look back.  Maybe it's the wrong play, but I can't wait any longer...I'm fearful that if I don't say anything now, it'll be January and new guy will be getting ready to ship off somewhere new and the moment will have come and gone.

I Need Motivation

I need some motivation and support right now.  I'm so blessed with many things, but right now my world feels very small, and there are some basic things I need to do to better my situation that I'm having difficulty with.  I shouldn't be so extrinsically motivated, but it's difficult staying motivated all the time when I've always spent all my energy caring for myself and making everything work.  Here are the things I need to do:

1. Come up with the $80 I need to send in with my GRE application fee reduction waiver by the end of this month, fill out the forms, and mail it in.
2. Study at least 4 days a week for the test once I mail in the forms.
3. Contact a nannying agency, send them my resume, and get a better job.
4. Finish all the tedious touch-up painting in my bedroom, re hang the blinds, get another closet door mirror, and finally unpack my stuff.
5. Somehow also pay all my other bills.
6. Stop procrastinating the gym

I need to accomplish all of these things, but I feel stuck.  I used to feel so motivated when I went to therapy, but I had to stop in August because I can't even afford the pro ration right now.  I want to be able to have a relationship, use my mind for something interesting, and not feel stressed about so many things, but I have to take these basic steps or it won't happen.  Ugh.

Alcohol Times with Russians

Last night was a pretty fun time.  In July, I went to a friend's Peruvian Day party and among the attendees were these two Russian girls (my bff almost went home with one of them, but besides the point).  So one of them is moving to NYC and the going away party was last night at a popular city bar.  I debated even going because I don't know her well, but I decided to bring my [man slut friend] Bob along and dip out if it wasn't a good time.  So the turnout for this girl's going away was on the low side, but we found ourselves having a really nice time, and Bob agreed to be the driver so I could drink.  I wasn't really planning to drink, but the vibe was right so I let myself have a few beers.  After most people left and we were all still socializing, they invited us and their remaining other [male] friend to come back to their apartment with them and continue drinking.  Bob agreed that it might be fun, so we made our way to their place.  (I was quite "fun drunk" already)  So back at their place they broke out the vodka...we had vodka screwdrivers, then I finished an opened bottle of wine, and possibly drank a few more collective beers...possibly, because I tend to steal others' already opened drinks when I'm drunk and the amount becomes difficult to measure.  They put on music and graciously played all our requests (Mickey Avalon My Dick!!), and at some point we all ended up salsa dancing in their tiny kitchen.  Also my Russian friends can *drink* vodka...as in unaffected by straight vodka shots.  Eventually 2am rolled around and the one girl was totes trying to sleep with Bob (he wasn't really into her), and we left on a good note.  Now I'd picked up Bob from his house and the original plan was for me to drop him back off and drive home, but by this point it was apparent that sobriety was beyond the evening's reach for me, so I asked Bob to just come back to my house and he could stay the night, be dropped back at his place in the morning.  I really took a gamble here, because I have a rule about not sleeping in the same bed as any guy I wouldn't fool around with, and Bob and I have fooled around on two occasions (both of which I wasn't super into and really regretted).  But surprisingly [thankfully] nothing happened.  Bob drove my drunk ass home with a good sense of humor and we went to sleep...not even any snuggling.  I vaguely remember resting my icy feet on his leg initially because they were so cold, but it wasn't anything and we both fell asleep pretty quickly...which is difficult when the world is spinning.    I need to be sure not to get too complacent with Bob though, because even though nothing happened this time, he seems to make a move when I least expect it.  It wasn't anything, but part of me also feels a little disappointed in myself for basically bringing him home and putting myself in a position where something could've happened that I'd regret...it's playing with fire.  Besides the bitchin' day-long headache, it was a successful night!

Almost

Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades...it's what my best friend on earth is always so quick to tell me.  It used to annoy me, but now I like when he says it and I've gone ahead and incorporated it into my phraseology.  I feel like almost has recently become a too-familiar word in my vocabulary...I often have almost enough money, almost get to see someone, almost make it to a goal.  I'm feeling a bit demotivated right now despite the fact I accomplished some good things today (work and lots of painting).  It's easy to lose sight of my small accomplishments because I feel like I've been behind for so long on so many things, haven't gotten what I want in a little while.  Is the real problem that I want things I can't have?  I wanted to go see ex-LI tomorrow and we discussed it, but he hasn't gotten back to me since our last talk; I'm annoyed, but mostly disappointed because dumb or not, I really wanted it even though I'm thinking it will probably never work out.  I'm disappointed for wanting it at all, because what I really want is to see new guy, which also isn't possible right now.  I wanted to go to the non conference this weekend, but alas it was beyond my reach (I do hope all the attendees had a blast!)  I wanted to have taken the GRE by now, but I just didn't get things together and still haven't been able to make it happen...I can't afford it even with the voucher, which demotivates my studying.  I almost got to see my bff, but he got a flat tire on his way up and had to turn around.  It'd be nice to turn things around and make a comeback instead of having so many almosts. 

Being a Server F*%$#@! Sucks

I did my first shift as a server at a country club this evening; it fucking sucks.  It was a slow night, but it was so boring and tedious:/  Hopefully it'll be more fun when I'm done shadowing and know what I should be doing/am doing something.  It was also awkward running into people from skating (some not nice people at that) and feeling looked down upon.  Icing on the cake is leaving late at night and having nothing to do afterward and no one to come home to.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

When you least expect it...

My mischievous side strikes.  Mwahahaha.  I topped off a good day with a hilarious prank on a friend at game night, something I've always wanted to do but never had the cajones to do.  I changed a number of the names in her phone's contacts to "tits."  (I did my best to avoid altering anyone work related)  It was surprisingly easy...no one has ever allowed me to play with their phone for such a long period of time, especially with me chuckling uncontrollably.  It might sound mean, but she has a sense of humor and found it generally funny, was able to put back most of them, and (and if she thinks critically) she can use backup assistant for the rest.  Today was a good day, but also a reminder that I get into trouble when I get bored.  Also I need to look over my shoulder, because I'm pretty sure she's coming hard.

Counting with Alcohol

1. I'm drunk
2. It's Monday pm, but it's ok because I went out with a friend and only had a couple beers (drinking alone is no good)
3. I miss my best friend who is in the Navy and hasn't been able to visit in a few months:(
4. I miss new guy for many reasons, the most relevant of which is that he's not in my bed right now for me to snuggle up to and fall asleep with:((
5. I'm a good speller when I'm intoxicated; it's just my motor coordination and attentional skills that suffer.  My vestibular sense is the first to go.
6. ALcohol is nice, but it makes me even less censored and brings to the front of my consciousness all the things that make me happy but I can't have right now.
7. WHy is my punctuation inconsistent right now??
8. I look hot right now because I wore real clothes instead of my go-to athletic wear...but I can't post a pic because I have to protect my anonymity.   I'm not even sure if I spelled that right.
9. FOr some reason I'm thinking about baby hamsters
10. I have ADHD and it really comes out when I drink.
11. (it's a baker's 10) I like my blog followers and hope they don't hold this drunken post against me

While I Wait

I'm enjoying a beautiful fall morning in joyously lazy fashion...slept in, stretched, enjoyed a hot bowl of oat bran (the actual bran, not some crappy cereal).  While I wait for last night's episode of Homeland to buffer (I'd buy it if they made it available for purchase!) I thought I'd update you all on the post break-up happenings with love-interest- in-other-city (should I come up with an abbreviation for him?)  We aren't together, but he promised me he wouldn't just go away forever and he's kept that promise by calling every couple weeks.  There was initial awkwardness during the first convo after the break up, but it has faded and we've had a couple nice conversations.  So he called yesterday and we caught up about life/work/etc.  Even though we're not together, things still feel familiar, and the conversation occasionally takes on a flirty tone.  We've discussed hanging out next weekend, and I have to say I'm really hoping it works out.  Deep down, I know that this is probably not the healthiest relationship to keep going, but it's difficult for me to let go because I still have some feelings for him, and I don't have a solid commitment from anyone else.  The problem with ex LI is that he gets a pretty sweet deal...he holds all the power in terms of us talking when he is available, determining when he is able to get together, etc.  Not much has really changed between us, except that neither of us has any continued obligation to the other.  I'm a little ashamed to still be entertaining him, especially as the person with less power in this dynamic.  I'm not an idiot who can't see what's happening here; I'm knowingly allowing it to occur:(  My gut tells me that two outcomes are likely here- either we continue as we have been, in limbo, talking but not seeing each other, and it lags indefinitely, or we get together and something happens, and one of us (me) ends up unhappy with the situation.  Mind you I'm the curious sort, which means this will likely be a hard lesson.  I'm sort of seeing someone in another (further) city, but that relationship is still too new to define, and new guy is in the military, so not sure whether we can make it work once he goes to his next station.  I feel like this whole scenario says something bad about me as a person if I let it continue playing out like this.  It says that I seek out men who are unable or unwilling to meet my needs, and that I'm scared to be alone.  I've never been unhappy being alone, but it grows increasingly difficult, and that sets me up to make potentially bad decisions.  That said, I refuse to feel guilty about entertaining ex LI despite new guy's presence.  New guy and I aren't at a point where I'm justified to put any pressure on him for a commitment, and the logistics of the situation are difficult.  I'm afraid of putting all my hopes and energy into that basket and then getting hurt again if it doesn't work out.  Wow...that statement really sums up the whole dilemma.  Homeland calls my name; hasta luego.

Gross

It takes a lot to gross me out, but this video made me want to be sick.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZT0R0AsPQ4&feature=player_embedded

The video looks terrifying.  I've had some time to process everything and find lots of information regarding how other people tend to respond to the procedure; I feel calmer, but still very scared and unsure what to do.  The difficulty with this decision is that it involves a lot of pain and needles (not my favorite), and I have to do something...doing nothing in this case constitutes a conscious decision with its own set of health consequences, which makes it difficult to ascertain the situation with least risk.

On a lighter note, I had a wonderful time working a wedding this evening.  I'm not a huge wedding person, but I enjoy parties with alcohol and dancing, and it was a fun atmosphere.

Reeling

I'm currently reeling from the shock of finding out that I need to have hip surgery for a labral tear.  With 4-6 weeks on crutches and 6 month recovery time, it presents a huge financial strain that I have no idea how to address.  And that's besides the more basic fears such as worrying about never waking up from anesthesia.  I've had anesthesia once before and it was very scary...time ceases to exist when you're out, very differently than when you go to sleep.  I meet with surgical consults soon...trying to stay calm and not let stress get the best of me because stress isn't good for my health. 

Spilled Milk

So I'm feeling horribly guilty and disappointed in myself.  I said something inexcusably mean to someone in frustration, and it was hurtful.  I put myself in a position to be worn down by the individual, and some hurtful words popped into my head.  I don't think it was about the hurtful words (I really didn't mean them!), but rather about having that person see that I can think of mean things to say when I want to, and that they were touching a nerve.  The filter caught it the first time, but the person asked me what I was going to say...I refused initially, but finally repeated what the filter had caught...a very bad move.  I apologized and we discussed it, but I don't think it will be forgotten for a very long time if ever.  More than what I said, I'm disappointed in myself for being in a situation where this could play out; I think it demonstrates a lack of outlet and a building frustration.  Folks who know me can vouch for the fact that although I sometimes say insensitive things unintentionally, I rarely say anything mean or intentionally hurtful to anyone, and it really goes against my personality.  At least prior to tonight.  There's not much else I can do, except work at the root of the issue to avoid it ever happening again.

On a non related note, I've signed this blog up for a Google Adsense account, but I'm pretty new to all this and not sure how readers feel about these ads on blogs like this.  Do you guys mind ads on blogs or do you avoid blogs that display ads?  I welcome feedback regarding this decision (especially since ads aren't displaying yet) and would certainly consider cancelling the account if ads will drive you all nuts.  Because the readers [you!] come first:)

The Waters are Muddy

Not sure if you all remember "Love interest in nearby city," but he called me tonight and I have mixed feelings about it.  We ended things a few weeks ago because he was not able to be present in the relationship since he's overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a first-year resident. We agreed to keep in touch (yes, I really did ask him if he was going to just never call me again and he assured me at the time that he'd keep in contact), but I hadn't heard anything from him since that night and was beginning to wonder if he was in the wind.  But he called me tonight after finishing his shift, and we had a chance to catch up.  I happy to hear from him (if a little shocked), but I felt a slight air of awkwardness.  I'm not sure if it was simply the fact that we're not together, or the unspoken feeling that we're both sort of keeping it as a safe option for future reference, or just my feelings for the new guy.  At some point in the conversation I asked him if he was dating anyone and he said he isn't; he asked me the question in return and I said no.  I felt a little funny saying no (especially considering the fact that I just got back from driving seven hours to spend a long weekend with new guy), but then again new guy and I haven't had the "exclusivity" conversation yet.  I said I'd been out on a couple dates but was doubtful about whether or not there were lasting possibilities.  I didn't say anything untrue, so why do I feel like I just lied to ex-love-interest?  I haven't taken the time to thoroughly over-analyze my feelings on the subject, but while we were talking I thought about new guy and how I feel about him.  The waters feel rather muddy at this point because I still feel somewhat [deeply] hurt by the outcome of things with "love interest," but I don't hold it against him and I want to continue having him in my life to some degree.  But I also feel very strongly for new guy, who I feel a very natural connection with, and who has never hurt my feelings.  I want to be above board with both of them, but where previously I felt a little torn between love interest and new guy, I now feel a strong urge to lock it down with new guy and move forward.  I really like new guy, and I sense that it may come to a hard letting go of love interest in deference to new guy.

[Awesome segue here]  The other thing I've been thinking about is feedback from a friend of mine with whom I discussed my weekend with new guy.  She [sort of] jokingly said that she was disappointed in me for having sex with new guy so soon, that it would've been better to save it for another time.  Normally I might agree, but even with distance as a factor, I don't feel like it was rushed.  New guy is the only person I've ever been with where I didn't feel differently than I expected after being with him.  In the past, I've always reminded myself that no matter how I think I'll feel about having sex with someone, there are always unexpected and sometimes temporarily overwhelming emotions that follow, and this was the first time that wasn't the case.  It just felt like a relaxed progression, safe and positive all around.  I know I sound like *such* a girl right now, but I don't know how else to describe it.  I feel very comfortable with new guy, and I'm really hoping that things will continue to work.  I'm trying not to daydream too much about the potential future with new guy, because he'll be moving to a different station sometime end of January or early February, and I worry that things will end if there's too much distance.  The only option for getting to come with someone in the military is to marry them, and even if things are great, I don't think we will have known each other long enough for that to be even a remote possibility.  There aren't any answers to be had speculating, but I'll definitely be thinking about his warm, safe, snuggly body as I drift off to sleep.

Food for Thought

So it's been a hectic few days and I've been remiss with my blogging duties, but I'm back.  I had a wonderful time away, and I feel cautiously optimistic/hopeful/really-must-work-out about the guy.  I've also had the opportunity to reconnect with several old friends, and it's been wonderful hearing what's going on in their lives.  It's crazy how things can change over time, and it's nice to come back together and be in the same place where we can relate in ways that previously weren't possible.  One of these friends and I went for a long hike today and talked about our lives, particularly about the evolving place of God and faith and religious practice, and I was pleasantly surprised/humbled by our conversation.  This friend used to be one of the most devout Christian people I know, but she's really explored for herself and lives very differently now.  Not that she doesn't believe in God, but she shared that her idea of who God is has evolved into something very different than she previously believed.  It was a necessary conversation, especially given my post a few weeks ago http://thebloggerincognito.blogspot.com/2012/08/value-judgment-soup.html where I discussed a few controversial value judgments relating to Christianity.  I haven't fully processed the conversation yet, but it feels good to know that I'm not the only one feeling disillusioned with faith and religion.

Also I have a job interview for a well-paid but inconveniently scheduled FT nannying job.  I'm feeling a little nervous about the requested level of commitment, but going to go prepared and see what happens.  Hopefully the client will agree to a trial period so we can see if it works for us.

Back to Life

Sorry I've been mia this week...it's been busy with work, and I've honestly been pining a little since my getaway.  Life seems ot be moving in a positive direction, but a long way to go.  And I miss my new love interest...why can't I ever date anyone who lives nearby?  Who am I kidding...I like this one, so it doesn't matter where he lives.  Gotta jet...doing a high ropes course tomorrow and I need energy since my fear of heights will sap most of it lol. 

Epic-ness

In upstate NY for the weekend hanging with my Navy buddies...staying in a house with 4 guys and lots of alcohol is the most natural thing ever.  I also accidentally discovered that the guys have their fantasy football teams named based on some funnier details of my July hookup with one of them.  More dirt to come.

I Skerd

Realtalk- I'm a little nervous about some stuff.  Haven't been feeling great recently and long story short, I just failed the glucose challenge test and have to go in asap for further labs that will show if I have diabetes.  On the rational level, I'm good- I'm well educated and pretty knowledgeable about diabetes management, and I'm sure I'd be an endo's dream patient in terms of compliance.  Despite all of that, I'm still scared about all the what-if's.  I dislike the anticipation factor of things, and I want to hurry up and know already.  But I can't know until I know, so until then I'm going to enjoy my ignorance about it and try to live life as normal without thinking about it.  I've never craved sugar like I do right.now.

Perspective

Greetings, followers!  Today we'll be talking about perspective.  Today provided me with perspective on several major points, including the fact that eating more than one whoopie pie is a [very] bad idea, one should wait to pick up soft dog poo from carpet until it stiffens a bit, and that my life isn't that bad.  I spent time today helping a friend's household keep running, since she has been very sick for several days and pretty much can't get out of bed.  I took her daughter for a sports physical, grocery shopped, helped with homework, wore out the dog, and ran some laundry through.  Her husband/the kids' dad passed away several years ago, and they've had to make their lives keep moving despite their sadness.  They still miss him, but they're able to find the good in their lives and being such a close part of things (like today) is a good reminder that I can do a better job with the hand I've been dealt.  It's sometimes nice to be able to give and meet others' needs when I'm not able to meet my own...it distracts me from the self-pity party and is a generally good investment in some kids (and their mom) who deserve it.  So really, I'm blessed.  Blessed to have such wonderful people around me, and blessed with the capability to do so many things I take for granted.  I'll be sure to scoop the rest of that dog poop off their dining room rug tomorrow, and I'll relish my ability to perform that task.

So it continues...

L'shana tova:)  It's been a good weekend so I have no basis for complaint...I still feel restless about several things though.  I wish I had family to celebrate the Jewish New Year with- I wasn't raised in any kind of Jewish tradition, which is a point I feel cheated on now that I'm older and feel a slightly closer bond to the Jewish community.  And it's also partly about being without a regular "family," and feeling lonely when it comes to the traditional holiday experience. 

I also can't shake the strong desire to head to [nearby city] to see the former love interest who I'm still interested in.  We are on very good terms, it's just a timing issue, and that's what makes it stressful.  A commitment would be nice, but really I haven't seen him in forever and I would drive up in a heartbeat to just spend one night curled up next to him.  (Wow that sounds terribly desperate!)  I'm used to wanting what I want and making it happen, and it's difficult when I have to go by someone else's timing.  I imagine I'll probably get to see him again, but not sure when, and it's eating at me.  I do get to go to upstate New York next weekend to see my other love interest.  I like them both for different reasons and it's easy to feel confused.  NY guy is really nice and we connect well, but he is in a job that makes him even less available than the resident so it'd probably be a miracle for the connection to be lasting.  Resident guy is a bit more nerdy and likes to plan things in more detail than I prefer, but we have a stronger connection.  NY guy is definitely more laid back, but *loves* football and likes to drink more than I would choose.  I hope that NY guy and I can plan some good outings for next weekend, as opposed to just going out on the town and watching football.  More importantly, I hope I won't be preoccupied with resident guy while curled up next to NY guy.  And since there's a certain connotation implied by "curled up next to," I'll clarify and say that NY guy and I haven't had sex, and while it isn't off the table, it's not the plan per se.  He stayed a night with me this summer, and I must confess I look forward to having a warm person to snuggle up with.  I'm going to stop this thought before I sound any lonelier. 

Yesterday was great btw...got furniture from storage so not sleeping on the floor anymore, had an interior designer friend help me choose paint, and went for an 8 mile hike with some friends.  Never have I ever (with 5 fingers) is super fun to play when it's getting dark on the trail and everyone's trying to walk faster because no one has a headlamp:)

Moving forward...

Thinking I've been a bit whiny recently...trying to snap out of it and be productive.  Circumstances might suck right now, but life is good and I'm blessed in many ways.  It's tempting to look longingly at the various things and relationships other people have that I've never experienced, but I'm just torturing myself by wanting them.  (Side note- Jewish holidays seem like a great bonding experience and I feel a little cheated for lack of the experience.)  I'm also feeling very insecure about my choice to do this blog...I'm not sure whether I'm saying anything people want to read, and I feel like an idiot blogging to no one.  I haven't yet received that ever-elusive first comment, which causes me to wonder if the blog hits I see slowly accumulating are simply accidental clicks rather than actual readers.  I'm stuck right now, but my only option is to keep trying to push forward, so I'm working at crossing items off my to-do list; emailed the pre-med program director at a school nearby, entered contest for Aiming Low trip, filled out proper paperwork so I can return to work at a local agency that provides services to children with special needs, and finished scraping every.last.bit of wallpaper from my bedroom.  And paid two small bills.  I'm broke and sleeping on the floor of my apartment (can't afford to have furniture moved yet), but tomorrow is a new day...perhaps something good will happen.

Why Simply Sassy Media Should Send *ME* to Aiming Low's Non-Conference

Why should Sassy Media bestow upon me a free ride to the Aiming Low Non-Conference?  I've listed all the reasons neatly below:

1. I'm flat broke.  I'm self-employed and have been having major troubles making ends meet recently.  Winning the privilege to attend is my only shot at going.

2. I'm new to blogging and have no idea what I'm doing, but it's oddly fun and challenging so I'd like to be amazing at it.  (And maybe one day get a comment!)

3. Life is throwing me some unfortunate circumstances (boyfriend broke up with me, work is barely existent, majorly lacking social connections) and I need some new and motivating connections.so bad.I.can.taste.it.

4. I've never been to Georgia, except for having caught a connection through ATL airport once.  It doesn't count as a visit, and attending the conference would allow me to cross Georgia off my 50 states list, thus bringing me closer to completion of my "Life List."

5. I'm curious.  Very, very curious.  And I'm not a cat, so I could really take in all the knowledge with the wide-eyed wonder of a kid in the candy store.  Or a kid seeing a squirrel puppet for the first time (can you tell I enjoyed Jenny Lawson's book?)  I'm destined to do something awesome, and it hasn't happened yet so this could be it...

6. Folks tell me I'm fun[ny] to hang out with...the je ne sais quoi is in me like the force in a jedi.  I bring something to the group...it's not just about what you can do for me, but what I can do for you.  I want to help you laugh, or cry, or whatever.  I'll even do your nails and pick up your drycleaning so you can continue to look stunning. 

7. You might be the only person reading this right now, and that makes me sad.  I enjoy writing about my experiences and would like to write well enough that people come back.

Please, pretty please can I come?  Thanks for reading!

Defeated:(

I hate feeling so defeated...everyone has been saying for a while that things will get better and work out and whatnot; summer wasn't all bad and I feel blessed with a number of good things, but I feel like life is closing in on me and I have no one and nothing to look forward to.  Love interest in other city told me this week that he just can't do it...we're on positive terms, but it was disappointing despite the recent issues.  I lost my last regular client this week because she has to make a long-time contractor an employee and also because I don't have enough of the skills she needs and she doesn't have the time or patience to show me.  I offered to work for free one day a week and she said she'd think about it, but doesn't know that she would be able to utilize me in a meaningful way.  I take that as total failure on my part even though that's not what she was trying to say.  She feels bad, and knows I need the money, but it's business...I'd feel so useless if she kept me around to do tasks that aren't what she truly needs.  I'm sad about the money, but I'll also really miss her and her family...I enjoyed being around them, and it provided some peaceful consistency and an avenue to do research on interesting topics.  Aside from the money, it feels like another huge loss.  This also means that I don't get to go to New York this weekend, which I'd been planning for a month and really looked forward to.  It was the only thing I had to look forward to.  So I have no money, can't pay any of my bills, don't really have any friends to hang out with, and I'm sitting alone at my apartment.  Life isn't supposed to be like this.  I've applied to a large number of jobs, but haven't received any responses.  Because I don't have any money, I also can't see my therapist, who helps me manage my stress and keep things moving in a positive direction.  It's horribly depressing that I'm still looking forward to working my second to last day with that client this Thursday...I don't have anything else to do.  Besides that, I've been driving around aimlessly and going to the gym because I'm sick of being alone.  Aside from the supportive friendship of a couple kids and their mom who I know, I don't have anyone.  It's also not great to be sleeping on the floor of my apartment (on a thermarest thank goodness) without proper furniture because I can't afford to pay anyone to move it from where it's being stored to my apartment.  (And the people whose basement my furniture currently occupies are unhappy that it's still there!) All I want right now is for someone to give me a hug and assure me that things will be fine, but I don't have that luxury.  I want life to be better and more meaningful than this, and it's scary to be lacking in options/support/anything to look towards.  I need for things to get better.                
On the positive, I'm super competitive and just saw the fb status of a friend who's been down and jobless forever...I lack respect for her because she lacks action for betterment in her life (and has for as long as I've known her)...so she has a job interview tomorrow.  I can do better than her...                                                              

Blah, Blah

It's been a busy week...mostly good, except for the awkward vomiting session on the side of the street near a client's house after eating some bad almonds (won't be eating those for a while and hoping client won't hold it against me).  My love interest in a nearby city texted me this morning following two-ish weeks of complete radio silence; the tone was guilty and apologetic for not having responded, wanting to try and connect this weekend.  I have mixed feelings about it and I really believe he has good intentions, but I'm looking at him as an inconsistent option who I make plans with but don't count on to always follow through...definitely staying open to other possibilities.  My goal for this week is to hit the gym, apply for more work, and study for the *^@%! GRE so I can feel like I'm actually moving forward in life.

And Again...

Past behavior predicts future behavior.  Those who know me in real life know that I stand behind this principle.  With few exceptions, I don't really think people change.  I try to believe that they can and give the benefit of the doubt 'til I'm blue in the face, but in my experience it rarely occurs.  So why then can't I accept the fact that my love-interest-in-nearby-city (a.k.a. "that jerk") isn't going to change.  I can't tell whether he's actually a jerk or if he just doesn't have time and behaves like one.  I want to believe that he's just busy, but after the stunt he pulled a few weeks ago (where he cancelled plan last minute and hasn't responded since) I'm quite sure he's behaving like a jerk.  I missed two calls from him today and received a text that was obviously meant for one of the other residents...it felt like a slap in the face.  I returned his call just in case (he did call twice in an hour) and told him I think he texted me in error but he never responded.  I'm left wondering as always, why he called me...was it an accident or was he reaching out on a break?  If he meant to call, why not leave a quick message?  I can't say that I'm interested in driving up there anymore, but I do miss talking once in a while...it was nice to have such a good connection with him and feel like I hd the potential to make someone happy.  Whatever...just need to move forward and stop wishing for what isn't happening.

Remodeling Overthought

So I just moved into a new apartment, and I've had a few weeks to mull over paint colors for my bedroom (replacing the pepto pink wallpaper)...why then did I not tape up swatches and paint samples until the day after taking up residence there??  I'm sleeping on my trusty thermarest camp pad on the bedroom floor, trying to block out the vague vinegar scent leftover from wallpaper removal, and I'm just now starting to overthink the paint:(  After going through 30 or so swatches, I've selected 3 different greens I like, but I can't decide- they look different in daylight as opposed to the evening glow of cfl's, and I'm worried about the room being dark and depressing.  I'm giving way too much energy to this decision...why can't I be one of those folks who just sees what will look best and gets it on the wall?

Transitions

I have the hardest time with transitions.  Suddenly it's the end of summer and things went by so quickly, and it's easy to feel like I wasted time and didn't accomplish any of my goals.  Which is partially true, but overly harsh.  I just finished up a 45 day stay at my good friend and client's house, and it's a huge shock not being there.  That house has such a good energy, and it's difficult not being there having quality time with the animals, enjoying late-night conversations by the pool, and enjoying the security of a space that feels safe and zen.  I haven't stayed at my new apt yet, and can't afford to move my furniture yet, so it'll be a few weeks before I can really settle in there.  It's a lot of transition at once, and I'm finding so many reasons to be unhappy even though I should be overjoyed about life and thankful for the many blessings around me (not the least of which is the ability to move my neck again!).  This happened in January when I moved into my last new apartment...I ended up staying at some good friends' house for at least 8 days straight before the mom of the house made me face the change and sleep a night at my apt.  I hope things will get easier soon because it'd be a shame for me to waste any time being depressed about such trivial things.  It seems like there's always something to be down about, and I hate being that person.  So what if I lost out on a $1,400 opportunity this week because of my thrown-out neck.  So what if I feel the fattest I've felt in forever and can't seem to maneuver around my hormonally ginormous-and-sore breasts.  So what if I'm worried about having trouble with motivation signing up for and studying consistently for the GRE because I'm afraid I can't do it?  So what if my best current relationship is with my therapist, who just took a month off for vacation and whose services I'm terrified I won't be able to continue paying for?  I could keep going, but it doesn't matter...the time spent lamenting these ills is not moving me towards my goals, and I need to work on real ways to change the things I'm dissatisfied with but seem to have trouble fixing lately.

Today I Feel...

In honor of not whining about my own trivial problems (and to get comments from lurkers), I invite you to express yourselves by completing this sentence: "Today, I feel_____."  Go!

Controversial Thoughts

I normally try to stay away from discussing these sorts of issues because people can't seem to agree...not politics.  But you were close- porn.  I've seen several news articles in the last few days detailing a syphilis outbreak among LA porn actors, which has put a number of people at risk and halted production for 10 days. Every article I saw used this issue as a segue into the upcoming California vote on whether to require porn actors to wear condoms while shooting (poor word choice; sorry).  I don't quite know what to think about all this...I don't have a problem with porn per se.  I don't watch porn because it makes sex into a dirty, fake cliche, which I can't relate to.  The idea of California as a state deciding whether porn actors will wrap it up strikes me as ludicrous.  I understand that porn is a legal business with a large market, but why force people to glove up?  These are consenting adults engaging in high risk activities for large amounts of money, and they're aware of the disease risks in their line of work...what makes anyone think that someone who chooses to make their living having sex with every dick/jane in the industry cares about safety?  I respect California for trying to mitigate the public health concern, but not sure it's worth the effort.  I mean goodness- the man accepting responsibility for the outbreak admits that he took steps to hide his infection (though he claims he thought he was no longer contagious)...considering that rule violation, pretty sure he wouldn't glove up even if the voters tell him to.  If I'm imposing a value judgment here I apologize...I don't judge anyone who enjoys porn, but I don't get it.  Perhaps my real issue is that I don't get why the porn industry survives when it portrays such a poorly acted/unrealistic view of sex.  Why can't people enjoy the reality around them? 

Had a Great Conversation Tonight...

I had a great conversation with my mom this evening(not my "real" mom who I lived with growing up, abut the person who has truly invested in my life and who I'd be ok calling mom)...much of our discussion touched on various value judgments and some of the differences in our beliefs now.  I felt good about the conversation, and I'm ashamed to say I haven't given her enough credit for accepting me regardless of how I choose to live.  It's not perfect but it's probably the closest I'll ever get to actually having a mom and it was refreshing to reconnect for a few hours.  Our talk made me realize that I need to invest more in that relationship than I've done recently; I think I've pulled back on sharing partly because we're both so busy, and partly because I worry that some of what I have to share may leave her feeling disappointed.  But that doesn't mean I shouldn't still share myself with her. 

Why I shouldn't get up before 9

These things happened this am in no particular order:

-Responded to a number of txts before I was fully awake and then had to look back to see what I said. Twice.

-Fell into the toilet before showering because I got confused and put the toilet seat up thinking it was the lid

-Nearly put toothpaste on my face instead of moisturizer

-Decided to go commando in jeans (not nearly as comfy in jeans as in yoga pants)

-Responded to several txts with what now seems like meaningless generalities

-Forgot where I put my shoes.

Gonna need some luck today.

Thoughts on relationships

So I talked with my love interest this evening...we had good conversation and nailed down this coming Monday for me to come up to where he lives.  I chose not to make a big deal about not having heard from him often recently because he's apparently been sick and still working, and he agreed to me coming up on a day he doesn't have off.  I hope the visit will go well...I haven't seen him in a long while.  I don't quite know how to describe my worry about things between us...for a few months, we talked nearly every night and just clicked.  We'd get on the phone and four hours would pass, and it was such quality time.  There were so many nights that I wanted more than anything to be there with him.  Some time has passed, and there've been several times where I really looked forward to seeing him or having a conversation and it didn't work out, and I hope those feelings of disappointment haven't "broken" anything on my end.  I want to go and enjoy the moment and connect in the way we did before he started residency.  And I secretly (well now you know) worry that maybe we'll have a great time and then it'll be another long while before we see each other again, and it'll be that same emotional roller coaster that the last few weeks (months) have been.  Someone with very basic knowledge of the situation knew that I've been feeling down recently and asked if it was about, "That jerk who lives in..." and warned me not to jump into something serious if things aren't as they should be.  I hope she's wrong about him...I don't think he's a jerk, but I have the tendency to make way too many allowances for someone until it becomes unavoidably blatant.  I don't know her well, but I have a lot of respect for her judgment and life experience, and the strength of her experience behind the comment worries me for this particular relationship. 

I've never been able to land a long-term relationship of any kind; the longest relationship I've been in was on-again/off-again over several years, and I allowed it to evolve into a long-term fwb.  I didn't have any good examples of healthy relationships growing up, and I want more than anything to be with someone who really loves and cares for me without condition and allows me to do the same for them.  I'm not even sure if I know how to exist in that kind of relationship, but I want it so bad I can taste it and THAT is what I hope won't let me be the girl who ignores the warnings of people who care about me and stays in a continually disappointing situation.  I also have to be careful not to think it to death (as is my tendency) and let neediness or insecurity ruin a good thing.  Five days seems like forever to wait to see him...five days until I can escape life for a night, enjoy a nice dinner, and go to sleep safely in someone's arms.  Here's hoping:)

Value Judgment Soup

Where do you draw the line for what you find acceptable not, for your everyday actions?  What influences you in these decisions?  Friends?  Family?  Religious beliefs?  Welcome to the slippery slope of value judgments.  I've been giving this topic a lot of thought recently and I feel so...unsure. 

I was raised in an uber right-wing fundamentalist christian household by parents that could be kindly referred to as nutjobs (mother is severely mentally ill, dad's turned to religion and work as his crutch).  Strangely enough, my mother is also Jewish and despite my lack of any real Jewish education, I culturally identify as Jewish and feel a strange sense of belonging even though I still practice some Christian traditions.  It's difficult as an adult trying to make the life I want/can feel good about-I don't know where I fall anymore.  My family spent a good deal of time indoctrinating me with what they feel is the "Christian" way, but as an adult I've wholeheartedly moved away from everything they believe in because A.They're insane and so are most of the things they believe, B.Their beliefs don't really work for them.  They might be blissfully ignorant, but nothing about their lifestyle/choices/beliefs strikes me as beneficial or enjoyable.  I was raised to believe many things about God and religion, and now I'm not sure what to think.  I honestly believe that people tend to believe what they're taught (and more importantly shown) as kids, no matter how crazy, so what if all this Christianity stuff is just blind belief being passed down from generation to generation?  The more time I spend around the kind of people I respect (intelligent, logical, healthy, kind), the more I diverge from the path my family vehemently tried to force down my throat.  I also feel a real connection to Judaic beliefs and culture, although I don't really have any way to be a part of the Jewish community in the casual way that would feel comfortable.  I have sort of accidentally surrounded myself with a network of Jewish people whose beliefs and lifestyle seem to line up with mine...most of my healthcare, business, and a few valued friendships are Jewish and I prefer it that way.  Further complicating things, I've been sort of seeing an atheist and my best friend is an atheist-leaning agnostic.  So considering all these things, I question the validity of any of my Christian beliefs.  I don't see any need to lie to myself about what I believe; I feel like I've been trying to have it both ways, and the two paths are somewhat misaligned. 

It isn't really a big issue in terms of what I end up deciding per se...I want to live in a way that reflects what I truly believe, not what I've been told to believe or scared into.  Relationships create a sticking point in all of this because of my ongoing relationship with my family.  I don't lie to my family but I don't share much of myself, especially with the folks.  So if for example,I were to get pregnant, there wouldn't be any way to distance the conversation from their beliefs.  I'm an adult, but based on my understanding of things it would cause a huge an unnecessary conflict.  Now my bff would ask me why it matters, since my family doesn't really have anything to offer me NOW in terms of love or support- I can't quite quantify it, but I desire to have my family view me in a positive light.  Even beyond the hypothetical, my parents will never be happy with anyone I would choose to marry.  Which is good in a sense, since our values don't align, but bad in the sense that I would want my family to accept whoever I'm with.  Some degree of acceptance is key, since I'd be asking my other half to accept a seriously fucked up relationship that wouldn't benefit them in any way and would cheat them of the typical in-law experience.  I don't discuss anyone I'm dating with my parents; I can envision calling my dad randomly to let him know that I'm getting married and my mother isn't invited (not that I hate her, but because it just couldn't work).  I'm not even sure he would attend my wedding if he felt negatively enough about [insert name here].  And I'm not sure why it matters so much to me, but it does.  What I really want is to just be happy and find someone who loves me unconditionally despite my family, and I feel like I need to clarify my value judgments so I can move in that direction.  It seems this entry has turned stream of consciousness...I hope my point came through.

De Nile

Feeling temporarily better about things...things might actually be better...or ignorance is ultra blissful.  Day got off to a rough start (not feeling well, unmotivated, self-loathing), but I took my work to the corresponding client's kitchen table and successfully avoided procrastination.  I also made a list of things I can do to pursue happiness and hopefully shake off the loneliness and disappointment that have been plaguing my mood.  I need to:

-Find an additional source of income by the end of the month

-Better fill my time instead of allowing myself to get bored.  This means going to the gym if I can't find anything better to do than watch tv.
-Study more religiously for the GRE
-Stop checking my phone while I'm in bed (!!)
-Make sure to have goals that aren't dependent on someone else's action for the payoff

And most importantly, give myself something new to look forward to.  Boredom and disappointment make me feel depressed and self-destructive, and I'm hoping that  having a new experience to anticipate will redirect some of the frustrated energy I've been storing up.  I have one idea for something I'd like to do, but not sure if it's a reasonable goal, and it overlaps with work/learning, so I don't want to get my hopes up.

Now if I could get rid of this hormone headache I'd be in business.

That Nagging Feeling...

You know that nagging feeling you get when you realize you might be giving someone the benefit of the doubt too often when in fact they're pushing the boundaries of your trust?  Yeah.  I feel like maybe I'm in that situation.  For whatever reason I have issues trusting people, but I'm also generally the trust-but-verify sort, and I try to assume the best until there is solid proof otherwise.  Maybe it's just denial and the attempt to hold onto things that aren't the best in favor of at least having something...idk.  The person I've been sort of seeing over the past few months is fresh into residency in another nearby city and I knew that going in, but I've seen other residents' relationships work out nicely with regular [albeit brief] communication.  Things have fallen into a pattern where he's generally good about calling or sending a quick text every day/every other day for a few weeks, and then there's a two or three week period of non responsiveness.  He'll eventually call and say he was on nights or sick and was just sleeping and working.  On one hand, I know the job is HARD and sleep deprived.  On the other hand, I don't understand why he couldn't find time to send a quick txt to the effect of, "I'm sick and swamped, call you in a week or so."  We've discussed it previously and I've said that he can call or txt me any time of day, since I leave my ringer on if I want to be woken/silence it if I want to get the msg when I wake up.  And for a while he does ok, but then there's that God-awful period of nothing.  We've also discussed me driving up on his day off or for a few hours when he's off, but he hasn't been letting me know when I can come up lately.  It's only an hour and a half/two hour drive, and I have the flexibility to make it happen, but it's creating a situation where I look forward to something for a long time and don't get a payoff.  I think it's affecting my sleep at night, b/c I'm waking up at various intervals and checking my phone to see if I've heard from him.  I feel like this is how it's going to be...I can't keep hoping or expecting for it to change.  I really like him, but I have the nagging feeling that I'm being a fool and letting him string me along when he's no longer really interested.  My bff says he thinks I should leave it open, but continue exploring other possibilities and not take it too seriously.  I feel like I can't talk to anyone about what's happening here b/c they are not understanding about why I like him so much.  It's difficult for me to be interested in too many people at once, and I'm finding that I have real difficulty with continual disappointment.  So I feel lonely, dissatisfied, and unable to make a change. 

Crap

You know how sometimes you learn a lesson and you think you're all good on that front, but then you get complacent over time, and play with fire and get burned again?  Yeah I did that.  When will I ever learn that the only man I can be sure is just a friend is my bff.  Which means that snuggling with any other man in front of a movie with a beer or two opens the door for him to make a move, and for me to make the situation awkward.  (Or at least feel that way!)  In the grand scheme of things it's probably not so bad, but it is sobering to realize that I'm looking for something more than a fwb or snuggle buddy or w/e, and anything falling outside of that feels wrong.  Not that I don't long for companionship now and then, but I need something meaningful and I've only ever felt guilty when this friend has tested the waters.  Now's where my too-smart-for-his-own-good best friend would interject that it only felt wrong b/c I hear my dad in my head calling me a whore, but I think this goes beyond that.  Off to bed (alone, thank God!) and hoping this hasn't set me back.

P.S. Bob hasn't changed, just reinvented the game a bit.

Lesson #2378

I can be a real chump sometimes, and although I've improved at recognizing the situations that result in frustration, I entertained some real bullshit this evening.  I spent the day running around for work and got home late, was about to go to bed when I received a text from "Tanya" around 11pm.  Tanya wondered if I might be willing to come hang out with her for a bit at **Hooters because she was there with her bf (who was socializing with his boys) and was hoping for some company.  Nevermind the fact that I find Hooters' food/atmosphere/servers to be disgusting/low-class/bitchy; I hadn't seen Tanya in a while and was a little bored so figured I'd join her for an hour and go home to bed.  Somewhere along the line, I managed to lose sight of the concept that people rarely change, and Tanya was always in the habit of making poor decisions.  When I pulled up to Hooters, the scene was sketchier than I recalled, and Tanya barely had time to say hello before she was suddenly involved in a loud argument with her [asshole] bf, who was driving off with some other girl in the front seat.  He screamed his displeasure that Tanya had spoken to several guys at the bar, and should go home with them...and that [insert bitch's name here] has a boyfriend, so it's no big deal.  Once he drove off, I realized that Tanya was very drunk, borderline suicidal, and most importantly that I was not surprised.  So rather than catching up, I listened to Tanya's tale of woe, once again pointed out that she could be happy, but only via better choices, and gave her the choice between me driving her home or calling the police who would be happy to give her a breathalyzer to settle our dispute over her fitness for driving.  She chain-smoked several cigarettes and went with option A.  And that dear friends is how I found myself exhausted and driving a drunk, smoky, self-loathing individual at 1am.  I had the opportunity to consider the situation after I dropped her off, and concluded that I'm a chump.  She got what she wanted out of the interaction (support of someone who actually has her back, a ride), and I got a smoke-induced headache and the same life story she was telling five years ago.  Why would I do that?  I hate to say it, but it was entirely my fault.  I entertained false hope that Tanya could be better company than she was the last time we socialized, and it was my bad.  I'm in a completely different place in life, and while I like being a supportive friend, tonight was wasted resources that could have been better invested.  We all have one or two of those friends, and I sometimes find it difficult to cut ties with them completely...tonight reinforced my reasons for needing to grow a pair and press delete in the future.  Hooray for life's lessons on trimming the fat.

*Not her real name
**Sadly yes:(

All I Need Is Love

Things I'm Fiending For (in no particular order):

-An oxytocin fix (warm fuzzies hormone, for the uninitiated), preferably by way of holding an infant...I miss working with babies:/

- A call from the man I'm *theoretically* seeing- night shifts seem to mean less calls/txts, which after a while makes me feel a little insecure about where we're at.

-A warm/snuggly body to share my bed with, preferably the aforementioned individual.  It's the little things...nothing feels safer than snuggling to sleep in bed, an experience that I miss terribly (but feel bad for wanting). 

-A mother who isn't a total nutjob...which in reality, means any mother other than my own.  I've felt all my feelings and whatnot, and while I get it and no longer expect anything from her, I still feel cheated, and I won't apologize for that.  But feeling any way I want doesn't make it not so. 

It doesn't take a genius to see the common thread running through the things I'm lacking.  Don't get me wrong- I'm not an unhappy person at all.  But somehow the same voids have remained consistently unfulfilled over time, and the lacking grows exhausting from time to time.  Is it so wrong to crave a little safety and security as an adult?  Admitting it feels almost dirty...even if I'm just admitting it to the internets.

Tick Tock

What's the goal of life as we know it?  Some people say money, others say status and power, still others would argue making a difference.  These goals represent different ideals, but I think they all have something in common- people want to be happy, and they feel achieving these goals will secure them that elusive carrot.  I'm still relatively young, but I've been contemplating the things I want out of life and questioning my motivations/drives to achieve what I want.  I definitely want to be happy, but life isn't without risk and I'm finding it hard to separate what I want from how I want others to perceive me and what I want; it's a slippery slope.  I feel like I'm getting older, but have yet to achieve anything meaningful, or at least not anything that societal norms would dictate as meaningful (parenthood, financial stability, giving back).  I'm starting to wonder if the whole happiness and dreams thing is just another shade of bad fantasy, and while I'm sitting here contemplating what I want and how to get it, the world is passing me by and my eggs are going bad. If I'm completely honest, I just want a loving connection with a partner who makes me feel safe (and perhaps a baby)- everything else is negotiable.  Someone recently made the comment to me that happiness is a satisfied mind, and I'm not satisfied so perhaps I need to alter my approach.  But how?  The only thing I know for sure is that watching "I'm Having Their Baby" is not the proper activity for feeling better about my potential for true happiness in life. 

No Man is an Island

So I had quite the unexpected conversation with a male friend yesterday, and it's made me consider whether people can fundamentally change over time.  "Bob" and I have been friends for several years but never particularly close...we mostly see each other within our circle of friends, occasionally do an outdoor activity together.  Bob is a nice guy, but in the past has often seemed excessively promiscuous, always leaving me with a feeling of defensiveness towards his frequent casual advances.  Nothing has ever really happened between us per se; he isn't my type, and the one time we tested the waters it wasn't for me, but we've done our share of platonic snuggling in front of the tv.  In addition to his loose ways with the ladies, Bob also tends to shy away from meaningful conversation, preferring rather to joke around and have a good time "in the moment."  So it came as a complete shock when we were hanging out following a group activity and he responded to a casual question about his childhood with real conversation!  Bob and I ended up talking late into the night trading life stories and discussing our respectively fucked up childhoods, then sitting in snuggled silence on the sofa for a while.  The whole experience was rather surreal...we really connected, and he openly acknowledged as much.  It was definitely the first ever interaction between us where I felt entirely comfortable and not objectified in any way, and definitely the most meaningful dialogue we've ever had.  It got me thinking about Bob's lifestyle and the subtle differences I see in him now compared with history...is it possible that Bob is evolving into a healthier more open person?  Did the conversation occur because I was more open to the experience?  Or has he simply changed tactics in his ever pressing to have sex with as many [attractive] women as will have him?  Or perhaps he subconsciously trusts me enough to open up following our recent [platonic] drunken skinny-dipping adventure? The whole thing blew my mind, and I'm hoping it hails future improvements and many more deep talks.

A Note on Anonymity

In resurrecting this blog, I agonized a bit over whether to blog openly under my real name or blog under a different name while taking care to avoid posting anything that would identify me.  It's not that I want to be secretive; my censor is pretty darn low, and I'll share nearly anything someone wants to know.  That said, everything isn't for every real life person I know or potential employer, so I find myself in a catch 22: blog without my real identity and have freedom to share whatever I want while having to omit portions of stories that would identify me OR blog as myself and be really careful not to share too much of my life story that perhaps I wouldn't want everyone to know.  Or wouldn't want to know that everyone knows.  This makes my head hurt.  Decisions, decisions

*For purposes of blending in with the scenery, I go by "Ann."  Ann is short, sweet, and not my real name.  If you the reader realize one day that you can in fact identify me in RL, kindly please refrain from outing me online.  If you must have me know that you know, you may email me.  

Does anyone still read this?

I almost ripped off David Bowie for the title of this post [Ch-changes...], but it seemed unoriginal.  It's been a long while since I last posted anything and I'm not sure why I'm back, except maybe feeling ready to open back up to the peanut gallery and share the daily goings-on.  So giving it a try...please forgive me if it sucks.


I've compiled a nifty list of relevant happenings from recent times:

-Liked (really liked) a boy and he broke my heart (I'll deny this in RL, but I think we both know it's true)
-Realized blood is not in fact thicker than water
-Being vulnerable sometimes leads to painful things, but the ability to be so is pre-req to pretty much everything I want in life.
-Realized that I am going to be lonely forever if I can't stop overthinking everything and worrying about what people think.
 
This isn't an exhaustive list, but it summarizes most of the lessons I've learned over the last few years.  The idea of resurrecting this blog scares me, because I want to share without attaching my name to what I put out there, and I'm not sure if anyone wants to hear what I have to say; I guess I'll have to see what happens.