Tuesday, April 30, 2013

It's a Great Day in the Neighborhood

Sick of all my whining yet (I am)?  So in the wake of all my depressing posts, a few positive things for once!  I've got a very promising job interview this week, a sweet two w$$k contract with a local finance company, and the hot guy with whom I had amazing chemistry in January is returning to the US next month and I absolutely plan on spending time with him.  Life is improving...it's difficult to get too hopeful because things haven't worked out in my favor recently, but crossing my fingers.  At the very least, I'll have hot sex with the European guy to make me feel better.  On that note, I've got to keep my girl feelings in check on that one...I know he isn't a relationship prospect by any means, but I've never had better chemistry with anyone, and I anticipate it will be difficult to say goodbye.  That'll probably be good for at least a few blog posts:)

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Desperation: New Lows

Desperation is an ugly color on me.  I'm feeling really depressed about the job search and my mounting bills...it feels like I'll never find a consistent way of supporting myself, and I've stooped to a new low.  I started a GoFundMe page to try and get some help with my debt.  It's totally humiliating, and I can't bear to share it on Facebook yet, but in the absence of options, it's something to try.  Was supposed to work late tonight, but client cancelled, so now nothing to do but sit and watch the screen, hoping for some kind of miracle. 

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Treat Him Mean, Keep Him Keen?

So I'm essentially housebound until I get another client, and ended up watching an awful movie on Netflix, where one of the main characters advises a less experienced female, "Treat him mean, keep him keen."  Catchy, but sounded awfully bitchy, so I googled it and apparently it's a thing.  Perhaps not exactly in the literal sense, but more in the vein of why men love bitches (read it!).  Is that my problem?  Have I been too loving, supportive, and available, and therefore caused the men I want to move on?

Monday, April 8, 2013

Back at It

It's Monday, I've slept in and caught up on House of Lies, and now it's time to continue the job search.  It's frustrating pursuing so many positions that never materialize, but the spring weather has me encouraged that perhaps something will come up soon.  I'm casting a wide net, but am really going to re conceptualize my job search towards my unique skills.  I'm a unique and valuable asset to any business, but getting the attention of the employers I want has proved difficult. 

I've also decided to take a break from actively trying to find someone online; my life situation has me a little depressed and not proud of myself, and I think it's counterproductive to put energy towards finding someone when I can't display the best version of myself.  Sorry this post is so short...gotta get to work!  Enjoy your day everyone!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Fear and [Self] Loathing

You know that moment you have sometimes when something you really hoped for doesn't work out, and you just fall effortlessly down the rabbit hole of self-doubt?  Yeah, so do I...just went on another first date with someone from an online dating site, and it was disappointing.  Nothing was terribly wrong with him per se, he just came across as lacking in confidence and not nearly assertive enough.  On the heels of my last day of most recent contract job and a bad phone interview, it really took my self-esteem down a few notches.  I've started to notice that two things take me down the rabbit hole- unsuccessful dates and lack of funds, and the more I try to fix these issues, the more discouraged I find myself.  My best friend just got married and stayed at my apt with his new wife for several days, and it was nice having them around to distract me from these woes, but real life is back and I'm a little afraid of falling backwards and getting really depressed and negative again.  Rather than focus on the negative, I should work on more permanent solutions to these problems.  It also doesn't help that I'm lonely and still thinking about both ex-love interest and the first year resident, although neither of them wanted to be with me in the end...it's easy to feel pathetic for still having any interest in either of them, but I'm starting to see that maybe I've turned a little desperate.  I'm starting to fear being alone and weird forever, since that's how guys seem to perceive me.  My therapist tells me that I should acknowledge unhelpful thoughts as I recognize them and cut the train of thought for any anxiety that I can't actively control in the moment.  It's been an effective strategy, so I'll sign off and think of other more positive things.