Back to Life

Sorry I've been mia this week...it's been busy with work, and I've honestly been pining a little since my getaway.  Life seems ot be moving in a positive direction, but a long way to go.  And I miss my new love interest...why can't I ever date anyone who lives nearby?  Who am I kidding...I like this one, so it doesn't matter where he lives.  Gotta jet...doing a high ropes course tomorrow and I need energy since my fear of heights will sap most of it lol. 

Epic-ness

In upstate NY for the weekend hanging with my Navy buddies...staying in a house with 4 guys and lots of alcohol is the most natural thing ever.  I also accidentally discovered that the guys have their fantasy football teams named based on some funnier details of my July hookup with one of them.  More dirt to come.

I Skerd

Realtalk- I'm a little nervous about some stuff.  Haven't been feeling great recently and long story short, I just failed the glucose challenge test and have to go in asap for further labs that will show if I have diabetes.  On the rational level, I'm good- I'm well educated and pretty knowledgeable about diabetes management, and I'm sure I'd be an endo's dream patient in terms of compliance.  Despite all of that, I'm still scared about all the what-if's.  I dislike the anticipation factor of things, and I want to hurry up and know already.  But I can't know until I know, so until then I'm going to enjoy my ignorance about it and try to live life as normal without thinking about it.  I've never craved sugar like I do right.now.

Perspective

Greetings, followers!  Today we'll be talking about perspective.  Today provided me with perspective on several major points, including the fact that eating more than one whoopie pie is a [very] bad idea, one should wait to pick up soft dog poo from carpet until it stiffens a bit, and that my life isn't that bad.  I spent time today helping a friend's household keep running, since she has been very sick for several days and pretty much can't get out of bed.  I took her daughter for a sports physical, grocery shopped, helped with homework, wore out the dog, and ran some laundry through.  Her husband/the kids' dad passed away several years ago, and they've had to make their lives keep moving despite their sadness.  They still miss him, but they're able to find the good in their lives and being such a close part of things (like today) is a good reminder that I can do a better job with the hand I've been dealt.  It's sometimes nice to be able to give and meet others' needs when I'm not able to meet my own...it distracts me from the self-pity party and is a generally good investment in some kids (and their mom) who deserve it.  So really, I'm blessed.  Blessed to have such wonderful people around me, and blessed with the capability to do so many things I take for granted.  I'll be sure to scoop the rest of that dog poop off their dining room rug tomorrow, and I'll relish my ability to perform that task.

So it continues...

L'shana tova:)  It's been a good weekend so I have no basis for complaint...I still feel restless about several things though.  I wish I had family to celebrate the Jewish New Year with- I wasn't raised in any kind of Jewish tradition, which is a point I feel cheated on now that I'm older and feel a slightly closer bond to the Jewish community.  And it's also partly about being without a regular "family," and feeling lonely when it comes to the traditional holiday experience. 

I also can't shake the strong desire to head to [nearby city] to see the former love interest who I'm still interested in.  We are on very good terms, it's just a timing issue, and that's what makes it stressful.  A commitment would be nice, but really I haven't seen him in forever and I would drive up in a heartbeat to just spend one night curled up next to him.  (Wow that sounds terribly desperate!)  I'm used to wanting what I want and making it happen, and it's difficult when I have to go by someone else's timing.  I imagine I'll probably get to see him again, but not sure when, and it's eating at me.  I do get to go to upstate New York next weekend to see my other love interest.  I like them both for different reasons and it's easy to feel confused.  NY guy is really nice and we connect well, but he is in a job that makes him even less available than the resident so it'd probably be a miracle for the connection to be lasting.  Resident guy is a bit more nerdy and likes to plan things in more detail than I prefer, but we have a stronger connection.  NY guy is definitely more laid back, but *loves* football and likes to drink more than I would choose.  I hope that NY guy and I can plan some good outings for next weekend, as opposed to just going out on the town and watching football.  More importantly, I hope I won't be preoccupied with resident guy while curled up next to NY guy.  And since there's a certain connotation implied by "curled up next to," I'll clarify and say that NY guy and I haven't had sex, and while it isn't off the table, it's not the plan per se.  He stayed a night with me this summer, and I must confess I look forward to having a warm person to snuggle up with.  I'm going to stop this thought before I sound any lonelier. 

Yesterday was great btw...got furniture from storage so not sleeping on the floor anymore, had an interior designer friend help me choose paint, and went for an 8 mile hike with some friends.  Never have I ever (with 5 fingers) is super fun to play when it's getting dark on the trail and everyone's trying to walk faster because no one has a headlamp:)

Moving forward...

Thinking I've been a bit whiny recently...trying to snap out of it and be productive.  Circumstances might suck right now, but life is good and I'm blessed in many ways.  It's tempting to look longingly at the various things and relationships other people have that I've never experienced, but I'm just torturing myself by wanting them.  (Side note- Jewish holidays seem like a great bonding experience and I feel a little cheated for lack of the experience.)  I'm also feeling very insecure about my choice to do this blog...I'm not sure whether I'm saying anything people want to read, and I feel like an idiot blogging to no one.  I haven't yet received that ever-elusive first comment, which causes me to wonder if the blog hits I see slowly accumulating are simply accidental clicks rather than actual readers.  I'm stuck right now, but my only option is to keep trying to push forward, so I'm working at crossing items off my to-do list; emailed the pre-med program director at a school nearby, entered contest for Aiming Low trip, filled out proper paperwork so I can return to work at a local agency that provides services to children with special needs, and finished scraping every.last.bit of wallpaper from my bedroom.  And paid two small bills.  I'm broke and sleeping on the floor of my apartment (can't afford to have furniture moved yet), but tomorrow is a new day...perhaps something good will happen.

Why Simply Sassy Media Should Send *ME* to Aiming Low's Non-Conference

Why should Sassy Media bestow upon me a free ride to the Aiming Low Non-Conference?  I've listed all the reasons neatly below:

1. I'm flat broke.  I'm self-employed and have been having major troubles making ends meet recently.  Winning the privilege to attend is my only shot at going.

2. I'm new to blogging and have no idea what I'm doing, but it's oddly fun and challenging so I'd like to be amazing at it.  (And maybe one day get a comment!)

3. Life is throwing me some unfortunate circumstances (boyfriend broke up with me, work is barely existent, majorly lacking social connections) and I need some new and motivating connections.so bad.I.can.taste.it.

4. I've never been to Georgia, except for having caught a connection through ATL airport once.  It doesn't count as a visit, and attending the conference would allow me to cross Georgia off my 50 states list, thus bringing me closer to completion of my "Life List."

5. I'm curious.  Very, very curious.  And I'm not a cat, so I could really take in all the knowledge with the wide-eyed wonder of a kid in the candy store.  Or a kid seeing a squirrel puppet for the first time (can you tell I enjoyed Jenny Lawson's book?)  I'm destined to do something awesome, and it hasn't happened yet so this could be it...

6. Folks tell me I'm fun[ny] to hang out with...the je ne sais quoi is in me like the force in a jedi.  I bring something to the group...it's not just about what you can do for me, but what I can do for you.  I want to help you laugh, or cry, or whatever.  I'll even do your nails and pick up your drycleaning so you can continue to look stunning. 

7. You might be the only person reading this right now, and that makes me sad.  I enjoy writing about my experiences and would like to write well enough that people come back.

Please, pretty please can I come?  Thanks for reading!

Defeated:(

I hate feeling so defeated...everyone has been saying for a while that things will get better and work out and whatnot; summer wasn't all bad and I feel blessed with a number of good things, but I feel like life is closing in on me and I have no one and nothing to look forward to.  Love interest in other city told me this week that he just can't do it...we're on positive terms, but it was disappointing despite the recent issues.  I lost my last regular client this week because she has to make a long-time contractor an employee and also because I don't have enough of the skills she needs and she doesn't have the time or patience to show me.  I offered to work for free one day a week and she said she'd think about it, but doesn't know that she would be able to utilize me in a meaningful way.  I take that as total failure on my part even though that's not what she was trying to say.  She feels bad, and knows I need the money, but it's business...I'd feel so useless if she kept me around to do tasks that aren't what she truly needs.  I'm sad about the money, but I'll also really miss her and her family...I enjoyed being around them, and it provided some peaceful consistency and an avenue to do research on interesting topics.  Aside from the money, it feels like another huge loss.  This also means that I don't get to go to New York this weekend, which I'd been planning for a month and really looked forward to.  It was the only thing I had to look forward to.  So I have no money, can't pay any of my bills, don't really have any friends to hang out with, and I'm sitting alone at my apartment.  Life isn't supposed to be like this.  I've applied to a large number of jobs, but haven't received any responses.  Because I don't have any money, I also can't see my therapist, who helps me manage my stress and keep things moving in a positive direction.  It's horribly depressing that I'm still looking forward to working my second to last day with that client this Thursday...I don't have anything else to do.  Besides that, I've been driving around aimlessly and going to the gym because I'm sick of being alone.  Aside from the supportive friendship of a couple kids and their mom who I know, I don't have anyone.  It's also not great to be sleeping on the floor of my apartment (on a thermarest thank goodness) without proper furniture because I can't afford to pay anyone to move it from where it's being stored to my apartment.  (And the people whose basement my furniture currently occupies are unhappy that it's still there!) All I want right now is for someone to give me a hug and assure me that things will be fine, but I don't have that luxury.  I want life to be better and more meaningful than this, and it's scary to be lacking in options/support/anything to look towards.  I need for things to get better.                
On the positive, I'm super competitive and just saw the fb status of a friend who's been down and jobless forever...I lack respect for her because she lacks action for betterment in her life (and has for as long as I've known her)...so she has a job interview tomorrow.  I can do better than her...                                                              

Blah, Blah

It's been a busy week...mostly good, except for the awkward vomiting session on the side of the street near a client's house after eating some bad almonds (won't be eating those for a while and hoping client won't hold it against me).  My love interest in a nearby city texted me this morning following two-ish weeks of complete radio silence; the tone was guilty and apologetic for not having responded, wanting to try and connect this weekend.  I have mixed feelings about it and I really believe he has good intentions, but I'm looking at him as an inconsistent option who I make plans with but don't count on to always follow through...definitely staying open to other possibilities.  My goal for this week is to hit the gym, apply for more work, and study for the *^@%! GRE so I can feel like I'm actually moving forward in life.

And Again...

Past behavior predicts future behavior.  Those who know me in real life know that I stand behind this principle.  With few exceptions, I don't really think people change.  I try to believe that they can and give the benefit of the doubt 'til I'm blue in the face, but in my experience it rarely occurs.  So why then can't I accept the fact that my love-interest-in-nearby-city (a.k.a. "that jerk") isn't going to change.  I can't tell whether he's actually a jerk or if he just doesn't have time and behaves like one.  I want to believe that he's just busy, but after the stunt he pulled a few weeks ago (where he cancelled plan last minute and hasn't responded since) I'm quite sure he's behaving like a jerk.  I missed two calls from him today and received a text that was obviously meant for one of the other residents...it felt like a slap in the face.  I returned his call just in case (he did call twice in an hour) and told him I think he texted me in error but he never responded.  I'm left wondering as always, why he called me...was it an accident or was he reaching out on a break?  If he meant to call, why not leave a quick message?  I can't say that I'm interested in driving up there anymore, but I do miss talking once in a while...it was nice to have such a good connection with him and feel like I hd the potential to make someone happy.  Whatever...just need to move forward and stop wishing for what isn't happening.

Remodeling Overthought

So I just moved into a new apartment, and I've had a few weeks to mull over paint colors for my bedroom (replacing the pepto pink wallpaper)...why then did I not tape up swatches and paint samples until the day after taking up residence there??  I'm sleeping on my trusty thermarest camp pad on the bedroom floor, trying to block out the vague vinegar scent leftover from wallpaper removal, and I'm just now starting to overthink the paint:(  After going through 30 or so swatches, I've selected 3 different greens I like, but I can't decide- they look different in daylight as opposed to the evening glow of cfl's, and I'm worried about the room being dark and depressing.  I'm giving way too much energy to this decision...why can't I be one of those folks who just sees what will look best and gets it on the wall?

Transitions

I have the hardest time with transitions.  Suddenly it's the end of summer and things went by so quickly, and it's easy to feel like I wasted time and didn't accomplish any of my goals.  Which is partially true, but overly harsh.  I just finished up a 45 day stay at my good friend and client's house, and it's a huge shock not being there.  That house has such a good energy, and it's difficult not being there having quality time with the animals, enjoying late-night conversations by the pool, and enjoying the security of a space that feels safe and zen.  I haven't stayed at my new apt yet, and can't afford to move my furniture yet, so it'll be a few weeks before I can really settle in there.  It's a lot of transition at once, and I'm finding so many reasons to be unhappy even though I should be overjoyed about life and thankful for the many blessings around me (not the least of which is the ability to move my neck again!).  This happened in January when I moved into my last new apartment...I ended up staying at some good friends' house for at least 8 days straight before the mom of the house made me face the change and sleep a night at my apt.  I hope things will get easier soon because it'd be a shame for me to waste any time being depressed about such trivial things.  It seems like there's always something to be down about, and I hate being that person.  So what if I lost out on a $1,400 opportunity this week because of my thrown-out neck.  So what if I feel the fattest I've felt in forever and can't seem to maneuver around my hormonally ginormous-and-sore breasts.  So what if I'm worried about having trouble with motivation signing up for and studying consistently for the GRE because I'm afraid I can't do it?  So what if my best current relationship is with my therapist, who just took a month off for vacation and whose services I'm terrified I won't be able to continue paying for?  I could keep going, but it doesn't matter...the time spent lamenting these ills is not moving me towards my goals, and I need to work on real ways to change the things I'm dissatisfied with but seem to have trouble fixing lately.