Tuesday, September 11, 2012


I hate feeling so defeated...everyone has been saying for a while that things will get better and work out and whatnot; summer wasn't all bad and I feel blessed with a number of good things, but I feel like life is closing in on me and I have no one and nothing to look forward to.  Love interest in other city told me this week that he just can't do it...we're on positive terms, but it was disappointing despite the recent issues.  I lost my last regular client this week because she has to make a long-time contractor an employee and also because I don't have enough of the skills she needs and she doesn't have the time or patience to show me.  I offered to work for free one day a week and she said she'd think about it, but doesn't know that she would be able to utilize me in a meaningful way.  I take that as total failure on my part even though that's not what she was trying to say.  She feels bad, and knows I need the money, but it's business...I'd feel so useless if she kept me around to do tasks that aren't what she truly needs.  I'm sad about the money, but I'll also really miss her and her family...I enjoyed being around them, and it provided some peaceful consistency and an avenue to do research on interesting topics.  Aside from the money, it feels like another huge loss.  This also means that I don't get to go to New York this weekend, which I'd been planning for a month and really looked forward to.  It was the only thing I had to look forward to.  So I have no money, can't pay any of my bills, don't really have any friends to hang out with, and I'm sitting alone at my apartment.  Life isn't supposed to be like this.  I've applied to a large number of jobs, but haven't received any responses.  Because I don't have any money, I also can't see my therapist, who helps me manage my stress and keep things moving in a positive direction.  It's horribly depressing that I'm still looking forward to working my second to last day with that client this Thursday...I don't have anything else to do.  Besides that, I've been driving around aimlessly and going to the gym because I'm sick of being alone.  Aside from the supportive friendship of a couple kids and their mom who I know, I don't have anyone.  It's also not great to be sleeping on the floor of my apartment (on a thermarest thank goodness) without proper furniture because I can't afford to pay anyone to move it from where it's being stored to my apartment.  (And the people whose basement my furniture currently occupies are unhappy that it's still there!) All I want right now is for someone to give me a hug and assure me that things will be fine, but I don't have that luxury.  I want life to be better and more meaningful than this, and it's scary to be lacking in options/support/anything to look towards.  I need for things to get better.                
On the positive, I'm super competitive and just saw the fb status of a friend who's been down and jobless forever...I lack respect for her because she lacks action for betterment in her life (and has for as long as I've known her)...so she has a job interview tomorrow.  I can do better than her...                                                              

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