Monday, October 8, 2012

While I Wait

I'm enjoying a beautiful fall morning in joyously lazy fashion...slept in, stretched, enjoyed a hot bowl of oat bran (the actual bran, not some crappy cereal).  While I wait for last night's episode of Homeland to buffer (I'd buy it if they made it available for purchase!) I thought I'd update you all on the post break-up happenings with love-interest- in-other-city (should I come up with an abbreviation for him?)  We aren't together, but he promised me he wouldn't just go away forever and he's kept that promise by calling every couple weeks.  There was initial awkwardness during the first convo after the break up, but it has faded and we've had a couple nice conversations.  So he called yesterday and we caught up about life/work/etc.  Even though we're not together, things still feel familiar, and the conversation occasionally takes on a flirty tone.  We've discussed hanging out next weekend, and I have to say I'm really hoping it works out.  Deep down, I know that this is probably not the healthiest relationship to keep going, but it's difficult for me to let go because I still have some feelings for him, and I don't have a solid commitment from anyone else.  The problem with ex LI is that he gets a pretty sweet deal...he holds all the power in terms of us talking when he is available, determining when he is able to get together, etc.  Not much has really changed between us, except that neither of us has any continued obligation to the other.  I'm a little ashamed to still be entertaining him, especially as the person with less power in this dynamic.  I'm not an idiot who can't see what's happening here; I'm knowingly allowing it to occur:(  My gut tells me that two outcomes are likely here- either we continue as we have been, in limbo, talking but not seeing each other, and it lags indefinitely, or we get together and something happens, and one of us (me) ends up unhappy with the situation.  Mind you I'm the curious sort, which means this will likely be a hard lesson.  I'm sort of seeing someone in another (further) city, but that relationship is still too new to define, and new guy is in the military, so not sure whether we can make it work once he goes to his next station.  I feel like this whole scenario says something bad about me as a person if I let it continue playing out like this.  It says that I seek out men who are unable or unwilling to meet my needs, and that I'm scared to be alone.  I've never been unhappy being alone, but it grows increasingly difficult, and that sets me up to make potentially bad decisions.  That said, I refuse to feel guilty about entertaining ex LI despite new guy's presence.  New guy and I aren't at a point where I'm justified to put any pressure on him for a commitment, and the logistics of the situation are difficult.  I'm afraid of putting all my hopes and energy into that basket and then getting hurt again if it doesn't work out.  Wow...that statement really sums up the whole dilemma.  Homeland calls my name; hasta luego.

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