Monday, October 1, 2012

The Waters are Muddy

Not sure if you all remember "Love interest in nearby city," but he called me tonight and I have mixed feelings about it.  We ended things a few weeks ago because he was not able to be present in the relationship since he's overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a first-year resident. We agreed to keep in touch (yes, I really did ask him if he was going to just never call me again and he assured me at the time that he'd keep in contact), but I hadn't heard anything from him since that night and was beginning to wonder if he was in the wind.  But he called me tonight after finishing his shift, and we had a chance to catch up.  I happy to hear from him (if a little shocked), but I felt a slight air of awkwardness.  I'm not sure if it was simply the fact that we're not together, or the unspoken feeling that we're both sort of keeping it as a safe option for future reference, or just my feelings for the new guy.  At some point in the conversation I asked him if he was dating anyone and he said he isn't; he asked me the question in return and I said no.  I felt a little funny saying no (especially considering the fact that I just got back from driving seven hours to spend a long weekend with new guy), but then again new guy and I haven't had the "exclusivity" conversation yet.  I said I'd been out on a couple dates but was doubtful about whether or not there were lasting possibilities.  I didn't say anything untrue, so why do I feel like I just lied to ex-love-interest?  I haven't taken the time to thoroughly over-analyze my feelings on the subject, but while we were talking I thought about new guy and how I feel about him.  The waters feel rather muddy at this point because I still feel somewhat [deeply] hurt by the outcome of things with "love interest," but I don't hold it against him and I want to continue having him in my life to some degree.  But I also feel very strongly for new guy, who I feel a very natural connection with, and who has never hurt my feelings.  I want to be above board with both of them, but where previously I felt a little torn between love interest and new guy, I now feel a strong urge to lock it down with new guy and move forward.  I really like new guy, and I sense that it may come to a hard letting go of love interest in deference to new guy.

[Awesome segue here]  The other thing I've been thinking about is feedback from a friend of mine with whom I discussed my weekend with new guy.  She [sort of] jokingly said that she was disappointed in me for having sex with new guy so soon, that it would've been better to save it for another time.  Normally I might agree, but even with distance as a factor, I don't feel like it was rushed.  New guy is the only person I've ever been with where I didn't feel differently than I expected after being with him.  In the past, I've always reminded myself that no matter how I think I'll feel about having sex with someone, there are always unexpected and sometimes temporarily overwhelming emotions that follow, and this was the first time that wasn't the case.  It just felt like a relaxed progression, safe and positive all around.  I know I sound like *such* a girl right now, but I don't know how else to describe it.  I feel very comfortable with new guy, and I'm really hoping that things will continue to work.  I'm trying not to daydream too much about the potential future with new guy, because he'll be moving to a different station sometime end of January or early February, and I worry that things will end if there's too much distance.  The only option for getting to come with someone in the military is to marry them, and even if things are great, I don't think we will have known each other long enough for that to be even a remote possibility.  There aren't any answers to be had speculating, but I'll definitely be thinking about his warm, safe, snuggly body as I drift off to sleep.


  1. i think you should just make a clean break with your ex love. if you have a new man in your life, why are you looking backwards? you said yourself that the ex love is just a safety in case nothing better comes along. i mean, sure, you can just be friends, but who wants to be friends with a guy who lives in a different town who is a first year resident, of all things. he won't make space in his life for you because he doesn't have space. face forward and move on, girlfriend :)

    1. You're so right:( I'd honestly love keeping him in my life as a friend in the future, but right now there are some residual feelings. I like new guy much better, but he lives *even further* away and is in the military...first world problems.