Saturday, April 6, 2013

Fear and [Self] Loathing

You know that moment you have sometimes when something you really hoped for doesn't work out, and you just fall effortlessly down the rabbit hole of self-doubt?  Yeah, so do I...just went on another first date with someone from an online dating site, and it was disappointing.  Nothing was terribly wrong with him per se, he just came across as lacking in confidence and not nearly assertive enough.  On the heels of my last day of most recent contract job and a bad phone interview, it really took my self-esteem down a few notches.  I've started to notice that two things take me down the rabbit hole- unsuccessful dates and lack of funds, and the more I try to fix these issues, the more discouraged I find myself.  My best friend just got married and stayed at my apt with his new wife for several days, and it was nice having them around to distract me from these woes, but real life is back and I'm a little afraid of falling backwards and getting really depressed and negative again.  Rather than focus on the negative, I should work on more permanent solutions to these problems.  It also doesn't help that I'm lonely and still thinking about both ex-love interest and the first year resident, although neither of them wanted to be with me in the's easy to feel pathetic for still having any interest in either of them, but I'm starting to see that maybe I've turned a little desperate.  I'm starting to fear being alone and weird forever, since that's how guys seem to perceive me.  My therapist tells me that I should acknowledge unhelpful thoughts as I recognize them and cut the train of thought for any anxiety that I can't actively control in the moment.  It's been an effective strategy, so I'll sign off and think of other more positive things. 

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