Saturday, May 18, 2013

I Want What I Want!

So I just returned from seeing the new Star Trek movie with friends (it was really good), and for some reason seeing a really good movie such as those done by J.J. Abrams gets me all existential and tonight is no exception.  Really I think seeing a good movie gets me focused and in the proper frame of mind to collect all the various thoughts about life and existence into a vaguely cohesive thought...weird, but true.  It's thought provoking watching the characters of the movie battle against external forces while balancing logic and emotion, but to what end?  Why do they fight so hard for survival and happiness?  Is it just another innate drive or are they motivated by other things they want?

I'm not sure how to articulate how that idea translates into the following train of thought...perhaps it's an ADHD thing, or maybe just the conversation I had just prior to the movie about what I want out of life, how to balance my short term emotional needs with my long term desires...but here goes.  It feels strange and terrifying to talk [write] about these things, even anonymously to an unknown audience, but I need to get it all out and this is as good a venue as any.  It's not my best quality, but I've always been the person who finds a way to get what I want.  I grew up in a less than optimal setting [emotionally, physically, and educationally], but I white knuckled it and somehow found ways to have hope for the future, and I survived.  A few close friends have commented over the years that they're amazed at my ability to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat, advocating for myself to get what I need.  I've been that way for such a long time; taking care of myself is all I've ever known.  While I've long cared for myself, doing so hasn't filled the emotional void left by a lacking childhood or erased the drive to find someone I trust to care for me and just be happy with.  Somehow I've always been able to stuff thoughts of that need and focus on the present, but lately it's become much harder to do so.  I find myself thinking about where life has brought me and while I'm not unhappy or ungrateful, I feel that sense of hope and the ability to survive on my own is quickly eroding.  Forcing circumstances to my will to get what I want isn't as easy as it used to be, and that skill can only take me so far...even if it was possible, I'd never want to force someone to love or take care of me.  So then what am I fighting for?  By no means is this an expression of complete hopelessness, but rather my genuine lack of understanding for my own motivations.  I have all sorts of stability, safety, mentally stimulating tasks...but I don't want any of those things as much as I just want someone to love me.  I feel shameful even typing that, but who cares right?  I want someone with whom I can have a real connection where we provide for each others' needs...someone I can trust and care for who will in turn love and care for me in the ways I simply can't care for myself.  I want to come home to someone who will snuggle and doesn't mind that my feet feel like icicles or that sometimes (most of the time) I have trouble sitting still.  I want someone whose qualities balance my own.  I'm starting to doubt my ability to find that in the world, and that scares me.  I'm not a bad person and I have many positive qualities, but despite having a strong survival instinct, I lack the skills necessary to being vulnerable and finding what I want.  And I don't know how to get them.  Part of my conversation earlier today [technically yesterday] was about what I want long term and how to make temporary compromises to meet some of my emotional needs now.  The only comforting thing about that conversation was that the other person didn't think I was asking for too much to want someone attractive, intelligent, with whom I have amazing chemistry, and who has excellent social skills.  Everyone is so quick to point out that such an individual is rare in the population, but I want what I want.  But I don't know how to get what I want...I don't even know how to find the target of that desire.  And the few rare times when I can make any sort of connection with someone potentially worthy, it never works out [they don't want me].  There's nowhere for me to even go with the thought after it reaches this point...I spend so much energy desperately wanting something that I can't find and don't know how to bag, and the rest of my energy either trying to distract myself from the ensuing void or seeking a temporary fix to the problem (which is equally difficult to find).  Coming back around to the original thought, I think the solution lies in finding another way to address the issue.  I could make some parallels, but you'd all hate me because they'd be plot spoilers...bottom line is, I need to better understand my own motivations and think of new ways to address the need.  But without writers and a producer, I'm not sure how:/  Perhaps you've read this and thinking that it lacked cohesion and sounded ridiculous; this would normally be the time when I cosign myself, but I'm done apologizing for how I feel [at least for now].  I want what I want, and I need some help with this!

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