Sad Face

You know how sometimes you just need someone to hold you and tell you everything's going to be ok?  Yeah, I had that kind of day:(  I'm too exhausted to vent it all out right now, but being alone is growing old, and desperate is an ugly color on me.  I'm blessed with many wonderful friends, but somehow it's not the same as having mom or a partner...and I've never really had either.  Taking care of myself all the time is feeling old.

Desperate is an Ugly Color

Like the title says, desperate is not a good look for me.  No one likes someone lacking in confidence; people who lack options don't garner meaningful connections looking desperate.  Life has been really difficult for me recently, and it's been hard readjusting to instability financially and professionally.  A bit of job loss depression is normal, and given how well things were going before my job ended, the whole thing is a hard pill to swallow.  Being professionally well-off and thinking it was long-term made me feel good about myself...it was nice not having to worry so much about little things, and the job came with some long overdue professional respect.  It's easy for me to feel like I lack real value to employers and potential suitors when I don't have stability or respect or the ability to maintain a relationship with someone attractive, intelligent, and reasonably successful...I feel like I'm not good enough for what I want, and I've hit that point where I really need something to work out.  Just for once, get the guy or the job, or something to refill my emotional tank.  It's not even about money so much as feeling stuck and realizing that I don't want to appear as desperate as I feel on the inside.  Hypotheticals don't really serve much purpose, but I feel like I wouldn't be so bad off if the job blow hadn't been immediately followed up by the ex in another city getting my hopes up (I really thought I was over him) and then totally blowing me off.  I wasn't ready for another crushing disappointment, and I don't know that there's an easy solution...and I can't really talk to anyone about it because I end up feeling like an idiot for allowing even a shred of hope that he would make an effort.  Knowing all of that, I'd pick up the phone in a heartbeat if he called, and that puts me well into desperation territory.  I've got to find a way to collect the broken pieces of my heart/dignity/self esteem and move forward, but it's hard to do that when I see no viable options on the horizon and feel like a jobless, directionless loser. 

Finally!

Sorry I've been away for so long...a lot has happened, and I've wanted to update, but have been busy and experiencing problems signing in (thank multiple sign in).  In a nutshell- new FT client let me go (a totally cowardly ambush), ex LI came back and said he regretted breaking up (but then lacked any follow through), and I'm currently lacking enough employment, depressed, and no closer to having my hip repaired.  But life isn't all bad...I finished the painting project in my apt (finally!!) and finally have time to do things for myself since I'm not working 70 hour weeks anymore.  I'm moving past the job disappointment, but the ex LI thing is a hard pill to swallow.  He's being an asshole (and I'm pretty understanding), but I somehow still like him.  I watched a video of military people returning and greeting their understandably excited family members; my second thought was that I'd love to have someone that loves me that much:/  Guess I'll be needing to fill my time with other things in the meantime and keep hoping:/  More soon.

Lost My Job

Ugh...just when life was starting to work out for once.  I'm reeling, but I'll survive; I believe I was likely hired and purposely led to believe that the position was long-term, when in fact they only wanted me temporarily.  It's disappointing because they could've been honest with me and I would've agreed to a temp position, but they led me on and let me go; the client didn't even have the decency to be present because apparently it was too emotional for her, so she had someone else ambush me and fire me.  It's disappointing, but I'm just trying to be thankful that I paid some bills while I had the job, and that karma's a bitch.  At least I'll have time now to take basic care of myself.  FML

My Favorite Blonde Children

There are two kids I hang out with on a regular basis and over time, I've started referring to them as my favorite blonde children.  They're amazing tweens, and I invest a lot of time in them.  Lately I've been feeling especially isolated from people my own age since I work so much and that's led me to recently question whether I should spend less time with them and try to widen my circle of friends.  But the second I started thinking about that, invites from people my own age to do fun things started pouring into my inbox and facebook events page, reminding me that it was only a temporary lull.  But more importantly, I've just come to the realization that my life has come full circle.  When I was 13 and working at a summer camp I met a wonderful lady with whom I've been friends ever since.  She was and is very supportive, and is primarily responsible for me turning out as a relatively well-functioning, college-educated adult.  All of that happened because she gave me huge quantities of her time over the years.  I definitely appreciated it then, but I have more perspective on some of the things she sacrificed at that time to be available to me.  The other night, I chose to go hang out with the kids after work instead of accepting a social invite from an acquaintance and realized that I didn't feel guilty at all.  I also don't feel guilty about the fact that my favorite blonde children receive more of my time than any of the other wonderful kids I know.  And I feel 100% confident that I'm doing the right thing because it's exactly what someone did for me when I was their age.  That sounds like such an old person thing to say, but I feel very fortunate to have had someone and to be able to give to these kids, because they don't have nearly as many positive adult resources as any of the other children I know, and they've come to view me as a constant in their lives.  And so I've evolved into the young childless adult who listens and helps with homework and gives more lectures than they'd prefer, but whose phone rings off the hook if I don't appear at their house often enough.  It's really scary to stop and think about how much older I am, and how parental I've become, but they're worth it.  That's probably enough nostalgia for now...busy day tomorrow, and short on sleep.  Good night:)

Happy New Year

Happy New Year Everyone!! 

I'm a little behind the curve here, but it's still 2013 so I'm not too late.  2013 has been a good year so far despite spending the first few hours of the New Year in the emergency room getting a cut closed up.  My resolution for the year is to find peace and relaxation, preferably in a way that alleviates some of my anxiety.  What are/were your New Year's resolutions? 

Post- Hanukkah Serious Thoughts

Hi everyone,

This is out of the normal subject coverage of my blog, but it's been on my mind since Hanukkah.  I'm culturally Jewish and practice very loosely, although I was raised in an still practice the Christian faith to some extent.  I wasn't really raised with much Jewish tradition, but I know and have picked up enough to feel a sense of belonging.  Anyway, around Hanukkah time, I stayed at a client's house who is Jewish and noticed that the client has a new star of david necklace hanging up.  It was attractive and relatively stylish, definitely something I'd wear.  But as I was thinking about asking where it was purchased so I could pick one up, I realized that I wouldn't feel comfortable wearing it out and so openly identifying myself as Jewish.  So I googled on the matter and found this blog post: http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/when-to-wear-your-star-of-david/

I was pleasantly surprised that I'm not the only one who feels a little uncomfortable with it.  But beyond that, I'm not sure I would ever want to wear a symbol that Jewish people were required to wear during Holocaust times.  People seem to have forgotten (Urban outfitters remembers) that not too long ago, folks were being labeled with yellow stars and being carted off to die, and I don't understand how anyone could feel ok wearing the symbol.  Am I being too paranoid about this?  Maybe I should stick with the hamsa.