Retreading the Past

Things have been pretty busy the last few weeks...saw my family out of town, and have been busy with clients.  It's nice to have a bit of an upturn business-wise, but still feeling a bit battle worn.  I've also been out on several more dates with guys I met online.  And I met the man of my dreams, except that he's 23/nearly finished with med school/I fucked it up:(  Seems like I have a penchant for meeting men who are unavailable or disinterested, and I screw up all the rest of my prospects.  Also, I still miss the ex from another city:(  I haven't heard anything from him since he dropped off the face of the earth in January, but I'm definitely missing him.  And emailed him again recently...I didn't really need that last shred of dignity, did I?

Cougar Time

So I went on a date with a 23 year old yesterday.  Really.  I met him online, and we hit it off immediately, so we met for brunch at a charming local cafe.  Now, I'd typically never consider someone under the age of 25, but he is tall and attractive, of Indian descent, and in med school...essentially my perfect man minus a couple years.  I was a little nervous, but we had a great time joking and talking over pancakes about things such as physicians getting fired for giving breast exams in the dark, our most embarrassing [drunken] moments, and our general lives, and we subsequently walked and talked our way around the city for an hour or so.  It felt like an overall success, except for a hint of awkwardness when we hugged goodbye.  It was difficult to read his level of interest, which I generally take as a bad sign, but I really liked him.  His age was surprisingly a non issue...he came across as warm, funny, smart, and dedicated to his work, which is more than I can say about the last few men I've been out with.  But I get the sense that he probably won't be calling, which is a bummer since I haven't had any fun in a really long time, and honestly it's a little lonely sleeping by myself.  I suppose I should feel flattered that a 23 year old had enough interest in me to go out, but somehow I just feel disappointed and old.  He was fun and carefree, which is a nice change from my usual old person lifestyle...I might be pushing 30, but I still enjoy playing Just Dance or getting drunk and making out with a hot guy.  I wish I had more opportunities for those young person experiences, and I wish I'd taken advantage of them when I was actually 23.  Perhaps he'll surprise me and invite me out again...we've texted a few times since the date, but I sense a change in his level of interest and that's hard to admit.  I'll save the whining about how I never get the guy for my recounting of my recent visit with the European guy...let's just say that his equipment appears smaller than actual size in photos, and I may have cut off circulation to said appendage with an orange flavored condom, which killed the mood in under five minutes.

I Never Learn...D'oh!

So my computer seems to have a virus courtesy of an accidental click on some referer spam for this blog.  Normally I'd take it straight to the repair shop, but there's one slight problem...I sent several tasteful topless photos to a certain European friend, and while they're nothing to be ashamed of, I'm not eager to hear the teasing I got the last time the shop stumbled across some tasteful nudes.  I never intended to store them on my computer, but I had to quickly back up my last phone's pics before returning it and never remembered to take them off.  I want to keep the photos and simply delete them from my computer but having trouble due to the virus:(  Ultimately I'll probably let the shop repair it and simply hang over their shoulder to limit their alone time with the files but I sure am kicking myself for making the same mistake twice.  Feel free to point and laugh now...

I Want What I Want!

So I just returned from seeing the new Star Trek movie with friends (it was really good), and for some reason seeing a really good movie such as those done by J.J. Abrams gets me all existential and tonight is no exception.  Really I think seeing a good movie gets me focused and in the proper frame of mind to collect all the various thoughts about life and existence into a vaguely cohesive thought...weird, but true.  It's thought provoking watching the characters of the movie battle against external forces while balancing logic and emotion, but to what end?  Why do they fight so hard for survival and happiness?  Is it just another innate drive or are they motivated by other things they want?

I'm not sure how to articulate how that idea translates into the following train of thought...perhaps it's an ADHD thing, or maybe just the conversation I had just prior to the movie about what I want out of life, how to balance my short term emotional needs with my long term desires...but here goes.  It feels strange and terrifying to talk [write] about these things, even anonymously to an unknown audience, but I need to get it all out and this is as good a venue as any.  It's not my best quality, but I've always been the person who finds a way to get what I want.  I grew up in a less than optimal setting [emotionally, physically, and educationally], but I white knuckled it and somehow found ways to have hope for the future, and I survived.  A few close friends have commented over the years that they're amazed at my ability to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat, advocating for myself to get what I need.  I've been that way for such a long time; taking care of myself is all I've ever known.  While I've long cared for myself, doing so hasn't filled the emotional void left by a lacking childhood or erased the drive to find someone I trust to care for me and just be happy with.  Somehow I've always been able to stuff thoughts of that need and focus on the present, but lately it's become much harder to do so.  I find myself thinking about where life has brought me and while I'm not unhappy or ungrateful, I feel that sense of hope and the ability to survive on my own is quickly eroding.  Forcing circumstances to my will to get what I want isn't as easy as it used to be, and that skill can only take me so far...even if it was possible, I'd never want to force someone to love or take care of me.  So then what am I fighting for?  By no means is this an expression of complete hopelessness, but rather my genuine lack of understanding for my own motivations.  I have all sorts of needs...financial stability, safety, mentally stimulating tasks...but I don't want any of those things as much as I just want someone to love me.  I feel shameful even typing that, but who cares right?  I want someone with whom I can have a real connection where we provide for each others' needs...someone I can trust and care for who will in turn love and care for me in the ways I simply can't care for myself.  I want to come home to someone who will snuggle and doesn't mind that my feet feel like icicles or that sometimes (most of the time) I have trouble sitting still.  I want someone whose qualities balance my own.  I'm starting to doubt my ability to find that in the world, and that scares me.  I'm not a bad person and I have many positive qualities, but despite having a strong survival instinct, I lack the skills necessary to being vulnerable and finding what I want.  And I don't know how to get them.  Part of my conversation earlier today [technically yesterday] was about what I want long term and how to make temporary compromises to meet some of my emotional needs now.  The only comforting thing about that conversation was that the other person didn't think I was asking for too much to want someone attractive, intelligent, with whom I have amazing chemistry, and who has excellent social skills.  Everyone is so quick to point out that such an individual is rare in the population, but I want what I want.  But I don't know how to get what I want...I don't even know how to find the target of that desire.  And the few rare times when I can make any sort of connection with someone potentially worthy, it never works out [they don't want me].  There's nowhere for me to even go with the thought after it reaches this point...I spend so much energy desperately wanting something that I can't find and don't know how to bag, and the rest of my energy either trying to distract myself from the ensuing void or seeking a temporary fix to the problem (which is equally difficult to find).  Coming back around to the original thought, I think the solution lies in finding another way to address the issue.  I could make some parallels, but you'd all hate me because they'd be plot spoilers...bottom line is, I need to better understand my own motivations and think of new ways to address the need.  But without writers and a producer, I'm not sure how:/  Perhaps you've read this and thinking that it lacked cohesion and sounded ridiculous; this would normally be the time when I cosign myself, but I'm done apologizing for how I feel [at least for now].  I want what I want, and I need some help with this!

End of a Long Week

This week was crazy, y'all!  Sunday was the one year anniversary of my grandfather's passing, a friend's dad passed away, a favorite client's pet died, and then Monday one of the kids I spend a lot of time with got a serious head injury at school.  Ready for a drink!

Also...what did we all think of last night's Grey's Anatomy finale??  That show's jumped so many sharks it's officially a land shark, but still love it.  Kepner and Jackson def need to get together, and Arizona should run away as fast as her peg leg will take her and her ungrateful bitchy self. 

My Best Friend's Marriage

My best friend's marriage is stressing me out.  Seriously.  They've been married for just over a month and are the most wonderful couple, but must live apart right now due to his current military service, and she seems to be stressing really hardcore.  They love each other, and pretty much all he talks about lately is how much she makes him happy, he loves her, can't wait to see her, etc...they talk at least twice a day, and he is very devoted, even flying to see her every few weeks when possible.  But the last few nights he's expressed real fear over her irrational behavior, and I'm starting to get nervous for him.  I'm not married, and can't profess to know anything about anything, but I care deeply for them both and he is my very.best.friend, so it worries me.  I don't know what to say...I think perhaps she is depressed and doesn't realize it because I've always known her to be logical and rational, but she seems distant in our friendship lately, and what he describes sounds a lot like mood swings, irritability, and hostile attribution bias.  So either she's pregnant or depression is creeping in...either way, it's difficult for me to watch it play out knowing there's nothing I can do.  How do people conquer these things? 

Busy, Busy!

It's been a busy few days...I started my new work contract yesterday, and it's going well so far.  Well...except that I really, really hate sitting all day.  Really.  I've still got all the usual tasks on my plate, so I'm mostly just tired and busy, but it's nice that I'll be able to pay some bills next week.  I'm trying not to think about what will happen if I don't get the other job I'm in interview process with...it'd be nice not to restart the depression cycle.  Anywho...off to the gym to burn off some major poundage gained recently.