Today I Feel...

In honor of not whining about my own trivial problems (and to get comments from lurkers), I invite you to express yourselves by completing this sentence: "Today, I feel_____."  Go!

Controversial Thoughts

I normally try to stay away from discussing these sorts of issues because people can't seem to agree...not politics.  But you were close- porn.  I've seen several news articles in the last few days detailing a syphilis outbreak among LA porn actors, which has put a number of people at risk and halted production for 10 days. Every article I saw used this issue as a segue into the upcoming California vote on whether to require porn actors to wear condoms while shooting (poor word choice; sorry).  I don't quite know what to think about all this...I don't have a problem with porn per se.  I don't watch porn because it makes sex into a dirty, fake cliche, which I can't relate to.  The idea of California as a state deciding whether porn actors will wrap it up strikes me as ludicrous.  I understand that porn is a legal business with a large market, but why force people to glove up?  These are consenting adults engaging in high risk activities for large amounts of money, and they're aware of the disease risks in their line of work...what makes anyone think that someone who chooses to make their living having sex with every dick/jane in the industry cares about safety?  I respect California for trying to mitigate the public health concern, but not sure it's worth the effort.  I mean goodness- the man accepting responsibility for the outbreak admits that he took steps to hide his infection (though he claims he thought he was no longer contagious)...considering that rule violation, pretty sure he wouldn't glove up even if the voters tell him to.  If I'm imposing a value judgment here I apologize...I don't judge anyone who enjoys porn, but I don't get it.  Perhaps my real issue is that I don't get why the porn industry survives when it portrays such a poorly acted/unrealistic view of sex.  Why can't people enjoy the reality around them? 

Had a Great Conversation Tonight...

I had a great conversation with my mom this evening(not my "real" mom who I lived with growing up, abut the person who has truly invested in my life and who I'd be ok calling mom)...much of our discussion touched on various value judgments and some of the differences in our beliefs now.  I felt good about the conversation, and I'm ashamed to say I haven't given her enough credit for accepting me regardless of how I choose to live.  It's not perfect but it's probably the closest I'll ever get to actually having a mom and it was refreshing to reconnect for a few hours.  Our talk made me realize that I need to invest more in that relationship than I've done recently; I think I've pulled back on sharing partly because we're both so busy, and partly because I worry that some of what I have to share may leave her feeling disappointed.  But that doesn't mean I shouldn't still share myself with her. 

Why I shouldn't get up before 9

These things happened this am in no particular order:

-Responded to a number of txts before I was fully awake and then had to look back to see what I said. Twice.

-Fell into the toilet before showering because I got confused and put the toilet seat up thinking it was the lid

-Nearly put toothpaste on my face instead of moisturizer

-Decided to go commando in jeans (not nearly as comfy in jeans as in yoga pants)

-Responded to several txts with what now seems like meaningless generalities

-Forgot where I put my shoes.

Gonna need some luck today.

Thoughts on relationships

So I talked with my love interest this evening...we had good conversation and nailed down this coming Monday for me to come up to where he lives.  I chose not to make a big deal about not having heard from him often recently because he's apparently been sick and still working, and he agreed to me coming up on a day he doesn't have off.  I hope the visit will go well...I haven't seen him in a long while.  I don't quite know how to describe my worry about things between us...for a few months, we talked nearly every night and just clicked.  We'd get on the phone and four hours would pass, and it was such quality time.  There were so many nights that I wanted more than anything to be there with him.  Some time has passed, and there've been several times where I really looked forward to seeing him or having a conversation and it didn't work out, and I hope those feelings of disappointment haven't "broken" anything on my end.  I want to go and enjoy the moment and connect in the way we did before he started residency.  And I secretly (well now you know) worry that maybe we'll have a great time and then it'll be another long while before we see each other again, and it'll be that same emotional roller coaster that the last few weeks (months) have been.  Someone with very basic knowledge of the situation knew that I've been feeling down recently and asked if it was about, "That jerk who lives in..." and warned me not to jump into something serious if things aren't as they should be.  I hope she's wrong about him...I don't think he's a jerk, but I have the tendency to make way too many allowances for someone until it becomes unavoidably blatant.  I don't know her well, but I have a lot of respect for her judgment and life experience, and the strength of her experience behind the comment worries me for this particular relationship. 

I've never been able to land a long-term relationship of any kind; the longest relationship I've been in was on-again/off-again over several years, and I allowed it to evolve into a long-term fwb.  I didn't have any good examples of healthy relationships growing up, and I want more than anything to be with someone who really loves and cares for me without condition and allows me to do the same for them.  I'm not even sure if I know how to exist in that kind of relationship, but I want it so bad I can taste it and THAT is what I hope won't let me be the girl who ignores the warnings of people who care about me and stays in a continually disappointing situation.  I also have to be careful not to think it to death (as is my tendency) and let neediness or insecurity ruin a good thing.  Five days seems like forever to wait to see him...five days until I can escape life for a night, enjoy a nice dinner, and go to sleep safely in someone's arms.  Here's hoping:)

Value Judgment Soup

Where do you draw the line for what you find acceptable not, for your everyday actions?  What influences you in these decisions?  Friends?  Family?  Religious beliefs?  Welcome to the slippery slope of value judgments.  I've been giving this topic a lot of thought recently and I feel so...unsure. 

I was raised in an uber right-wing fundamentalist christian household by parents that could be kindly referred to as nutjobs (mother is severely mentally ill, dad's turned to religion and work as his crutch).  Strangely enough, my mother is also Jewish and despite my lack of any real Jewish education, I culturally identify as Jewish and feel a strange sense of belonging even though I still practice some Christian traditions.  It's difficult as an adult trying to make the life I want/can feel good about-I don't know where I fall anymore.  My family spent a good deal of time indoctrinating me with what they feel is the "Christian" way, but as an adult I've wholeheartedly moved away from everything they believe in because A.They're insane and so are most of the things they believe, B.Their beliefs don't really work for them.  They might be blissfully ignorant, but nothing about their lifestyle/choices/beliefs strikes me as beneficial or enjoyable.  I was raised to believe many things about God and religion, and now I'm not sure what to think.  I honestly believe that people tend to believe what they're taught (and more importantly shown) as kids, no matter how crazy, so what if all this Christianity stuff is just blind belief being passed down from generation to generation?  The more time I spend around the kind of people I respect (intelligent, logical, healthy, kind), the more I diverge from the path my family vehemently tried to force down my throat.  I also feel a real connection to Judaic beliefs and culture, although I don't really have any way to be a part of the Jewish community in the casual way that would feel comfortable.  I have sort of accidentally surrounded myself with a network of Jewish people whose beliefs and lifestyle seem to line up with mine...most of my healthcare, business, and a few valued friendships are Jewish and I prefer it that way.  Further complicating things, I've been sort of seeing an atheist and my best friend is an atheist-leaning agnostic.  So considering all these things, I question the validity of any of my Christian beliefs.  I don't see any need to lie to myself about what I believe; I feel like I've been trying to have it both ways, and the two paths are somewhat misaligned. 

It isn't really a big issue in terms of what I end up deciding per se...I want to live in a way that reflects what I truly believe, not what I've been told to believe or scared into.  Relationships create a sticking point in all of this because of my ongoing relationship with my family.  I don't lie to my family but I don't share much of myself, especially with the folks.  So if for example,I were to get pregnant, there wouldn't be any way to distance the conversation from their beliefs.  I'm an adult, but based on my understanding of things it would cause a huge an unnecessary conflict.  Now my bff would ask me why it matters, since my family doesn't really have anything to offer me NOW in terms of love or support- I can't quite quantify it, but I desire to have my family view me in a positive light.  Even beyond the hypothetical, my parents will never be happy with anyone I would choose to marry.  Which is good in a sense, since our values don't align, but bad in the sense that I would want my family to accept whoever I'm with.  Some degree of acceptance is key, since I'd be asking my other half to accept a seriously fucked up relationship that wouldn't benefit them in any way and would cheat them of the typical in-law experience.  I don't discuss anyone I'm dating with my parents; I can envision calling my dad randomly to let him know that I'm getting married and my mother isn't invited (not that I hate her, but because it just couldn't work).  I'm not even sure he would attend my wedding if he felt negatively enough about [insert name here].  And I'm not sure why it matters so much to me, but it does.  What I really want is to just be happy and find someone who loves me unconditionally despite my family, and I feel like I need to clarify my value judgments so I can move in that direction.  It seems this entry has turned stream of consciousness...I hope my point came through.

De Nile

Feeling temporarily better about things...things might actually be better...or ignorance is ultra blissful.  Day got off to a rough start (not feeling well, unmotivated, self-loathing), but I took my work to the corresponding client's kitchen table and successfully avoided procrastination.  I also made a list of things I can do to pursue happiness and hopefully shake off the loneliness and disappointment that have been plaguing my mood.  I need to:

-Find an additional source of income by the end of the month

-Better fill my time instead of allowing myself to get bored.  This means going to the gym if I can't find anything better to do than watch tv.
-Study more religiously for the GRE
-Stop checking my phone while I'm in bed (!!)
-Make sure to have goals that aren't dependent on someone else's action for the payoff

And most importantly, give myself something new to look forward to.  Boredom and disappointment make me feel depressed and self-destructive, and I'm hoping that  having a new experience to anticipate will redirect some of the frustrated energy I've been storing up.  I have one idea for something I'd like to do, but not sure if it's a reasonable goal, and it overlaps with work/learning, so I don't want to get my hopes up.

Now if I could get rid of this hormone headache I'd be in business.

That Nagging Feeling...

You know that nagging feeling you get when you realize you might be giving someone the benefit of the doubt too often when in fact they're pushing the boundaries of your trust?  Yeah.  I feel like maybe I'm in that situation.  For whatever reason I have issues trusting people, but I'm also generally the trust-but-verify sort, and I try to assume the best until there is solid proof otherwise.  Maybe it's just denial and the attempt to hold onto things that aren't the best in favor of at least having something...idk.  The person I've been sort of seeing over the past few months is fresh into residency in another nearby city and I knew that going in, but I've seen other residents' relationships work out nicely with regular [albeit brief] communication.  Things have fallen into a pattern where he's generally good about calling or sending a quick text every day/every other day for a few weeks, and then there's a two or three week period of non responsiveness.  He'll eventually call and say he was on nights or sick and was just sleeping and working.  On one hand, I know the job is HARD and sleep deprived.  On the other hand, I don't understand why he couldn't find time to send a quick txt to the effect of, "I'm sick and swamped, call you in a week or so."  We've discussed it previously and I've said that he can call or txt me any time of day, since I leave my ringer on if I want to be woken/silence it if I want to get the msg when I wake up.  And for a while he does ok, but then there's that God-awful period of nothing.  We've also discussed me driving up on his day off or for a few hours when he's off, but he hasn't been letting me know when I can come up lately.  It's only an hour and a half/two hour drive, and I have the flexibility to make it happen, but it's creating a situation where I look forward to something for a long time and don't get a payoff.  I think it's affecting my sleep at night, b/c I'm waking up at various intervals and checking my phone to see if I've heard from him.  I feel like this is how it's going to be...I can't keep hoping or expecting for it to change.  I really like him, but I have the nagging feeling that I'm being a fool and letting him string me along when he's no longer really interested.  My bff says he thinks I should leave it open, but continue exploring other possibilities and not take it too seriously.  I feel like I can't talk to anyone about what's happening here b/c they are not understanding about why I like him so much.  It's difficult for me to be interested in too many people at once, and I'm finding that I have real difficulty with continual disappointment.  So I feel lonely, dissatisfied, and unable to make a change. 

Crap

You know how sometimes you learn a lesson and you think you're all good on that front, but then you get complacent over time, and play with fire and get burned again?  Yeah I did that.  When will I ever learn that the only man I can be sure is just a friend is my bff.  Which means that snuggling with any other man in front of a movie with a beer or two opens the door for him to make a move, and for me to make the situation awkward.  (Or at least feel that way!)  In the grand scheme of things it's probably not so bad, but it is sobering to realize that I'm looking for something more than a fwb or snuggle buddy or w/e, and anything falling outside of that feels wrong.  Not that I don't long for companionship now and then, but I need something meaningful and I've only ever felt guilty when this friend has tested the waters.  Now's where my too-smart-for-his-own-good best friend would interject that it only felt wrong b/c I hear my dad in my head calling me a whore, but I think this goes beyond that.  Off to bed (alone, thank God!) and hoping this hasn't set me back.

P.S. Bob hasn't changed, just reinvented the game a bit.

Lesson #2378

I can be a real chump sometimes, and although I've improved at recognizing the situations that result in frustration, I entertained some real bullshit this evening.  I spent the day running around for work and got home late, was about to go to bed when I received a text from "Tanya" around 11pm.  Tanya wondered if I might be willing to come hang out with her for a bit at **Hooters because she was there with her bf (who was socializing with his boys) and was hoping for some company.  Nevermind the fact that I find Hooters' food/atmosphere/servers to be disgusting/low-class/bitchy; I hadn't seen Tanya in a while and was a little bored so figured I'd join her for an hour and go home to bed.  Somewhere along the line, I managed to lose sight of the concept that people rarely change, and Tanya was always in the habit of making poor decisions.  When I pulled up to Hooters, the scene was sketchier than I recalled, and Tanya barely had time to say hello before she was suddenly involved in a loud argument with her [asshole] bf, who was driving off with some other girl in the front seat.  He screamed his displeasure that Tanya had spoken to several guys at the bar, and should go home with them...and that [insert bitch's name here] has a boyfriend, so it's no big deal.  Once he drove off, I realized that Tanya was very drunk, borderline suicidal, and most importantly that I was not surprised.  So rather than catching up, I listened to Tanya's tale of woe, once again pointed out that she could be happy, but only via better choices, and gave her the choice between me driving her home or calling the police who would be happy to give her a breathalyzer to settle our dispute over her fitness for driving.  She chain-smoked several cigarettes and went with option A.  And that dear friends is how I found myself exhausted and driving a drunk, smoky, self-loathing individual at 1am.  I had the opportunity to consider the situation after I dropped her off, and concluded that I'm a chump.  She got what she wanted out of the interaction (support of someone who actually has her back, a ride), and I got a smoke-induced headache and the same life story she was telling five years ago.  Why would I do that?  I hate to say it, but it was entirely my fault.  I entertained false hope that Tanya could be better company than she was the last time we socialized, and it was my bad.  I'm in a completely different place in life, and while I like being a supportive friend, tonight was wasted resources that could have been better invested.  We all have one or two of those friends, and I sometimes find it difficult to cut ties with them completely...tonight reinforced my reasons for needing to grow a pair and press delete in the future.  Hooray for life's lessons on trimming the fat.

*Not her real name
**Sadly yes:(

All I Need Is Love

Things I'm Fiending For (in no particular order):

-An oxytocin fix (warm fuzzies hormone, for the uninitiated), preferably by way of holding an infant...I miss working with babies:/

- A call from the man I'm *theoretically* seeing- night shifts seem to mean less calls/txts, which after a while makes me feel a little insecure about where we're at.

-A warm/snuggly body to share my bed with, preferably the aforementioned individual.  It's the little things...nothing feels safer than snuggling to sleep in bed, an experience that I miss terribly (but feel bad for wanting). 

-A mother who isn't a total nutjob...which in reality, means any mother other than my own.  I've felt all my feelings and whatnot, and while I get it and no longer expect anything from her, I still feel cheated, and I won't apologize for that.  But feeling any way I want doesn't make it not so. 

It doesn't take a genius to see the common thread running through the things I'm lacking.  Don't get me wrong- I'm not an unhappy person at all.  But somehow the same voids have remained consistently unfulfilled over time, and the lacking grows exhausting from time to time.  Is it so wrong to crave a little safety and security as an adult?  Admitting it feels almost dirty...even if I'm just admitting it to the internets.

Tick Tock

What's the goal of life as we know it?  Some people say money, others say status and power, still others would argue making a difference.  These goals represent different ideals, but I think they all have something in common- people want to be happy, and they feel achieving these goals will secure them that elusive carrot.  I'm still relatively young, but I've been contemplating the things I want out of life and questioning my motivations/drives to achieve what I want.  I definitely want to be happy, but life isn't without risk and I'm finding it hard to separate what I want from how I want others to perceive me and what I want; it's a slippery slope.  I feel like I'm getting older, but have yet to achieve anything meaningful, or at least not anything that societal norms would dictate as meaningful (parenthood, financial stability, giving back).  I'm starting to wonder if the whole happiness and dreams thing is just another shade of bad fantasy, and while I'm sitting here contemplating what I want and how to get it, the world is passing me by and my eggs are going bad. If I'm completely honest, I just want a loving connection with a partner who makes me feel safe (and perhaps a baby)- everything else is negotiable.  Someone recently made the comment to me that happiness is a satisfied mind, and I'm not satisfied so perhaps I need to alter my approach.  But how?  The only thing I know for sure is that watching "I'm Having Their Baby" is not the proper activity for feeling better about my potential for true happiness in life. 

No Man is an Island

So I had quite the unexpected conversation with a male friend yesterday, and it's made me consider whether people can fundamentally change over time.  "Bob" and I have been friends for several years but never particularly close...we mostly see each other within our circle of friends, occasionally do an outdoor activity together.  Bob is a nice guy, but in the past has often seemed excessively promiscuous, always leaving me with a feeling of defensiveness towards his frequent casual advances.  Nothing has ever really happened between us per se; he isn't my type, and the one time we tested the waters it wasn't for me, but we've done our share of platonic snuggling in front of the tv.  In addition to his loose ways with the ladies, Bob also tends to shy away from meaningful conversation, preferring rather to joke around and have a good time "in the moment."  So it came as a complete shock when we were hanging out following a group activity and he responded to a casual question about his childhood with real conversation!  Bob and I ended up talking late into the night trading life stories and discussing our respectively fucked up childhoods, then sitting in snuggled silence on the sofa for a while.  The whole experience was rather surreal...we really connected, and he openly acknowledged as much.  It was definitely the first ever interaction between us where I felt entirely comfortable and not objectified in any way, and definitely the most meaningful dialogue we've ever had.  It got me thinking about Bob's lifestyle and the subtle differences I see in him now compared with history...is it possible that Bob is evolving into a healthier more open person?  Did the conversation occur because I was more open to the experience?  Or has he simply changed tactics in his ever pressing to have sex with as many [attractive] women as will have him?  Or perhaps he subconsciously trusts me enough to open up following our recent [platonic] drunken skinny-dipping adventure? The whole thing blew my mind, and I'm hoping it hails future improvements and many more deep talks.

A Note on Anonymity

In resurrecting this blog, I agonized a bit over whether to blog openly under my real name or blog under a different name while taking care to avoid posting anything that would identify me.  It's not that I want to be secretive; my censor is pretty darn low, and I'll share nearly anything someone wants to know.  That said, everything isn't for every real life person I know or potential employer, so I find myself in a catch 22: blog without my real identity and have freedom to share whatever I want while having to omit portions of stories that would identify me OR blog as myself and be really careful not to share too much of my life story that perhaps I wouldn't want everyone to know.  Or wouldn't want to know that everyone knows.  This makes my head hurt.  Decisions, decisions

*For purposes of blending in with the scenery, I go by "Ann."  Ann is short, sweet, and not my real name.  If you the reader realize one day that you can in fact identify me in RL, kindly please refrain from outing me online.  If you must have me know that you know, you may email me.  

Does anyone still read this?

I almost ripped off David Bowie for the title of this post [Ch-changes...], but it seemed unoriginal.  It's been a long while since I last posted anything and I'm not sure why I'm back, except maybe feeling ready to open back up to the peanut gallery and share the daily goings-on.  So giving it a try...please forgive me if it sucks.


I've compiled a nifty list of relevant happenings from recent times:

-Liked (really liked) a boy and he broke my heart (I'll deny this in RL, but I think we both know it's true)
-Realized blood is not in fact thicker than water
-Being vulnerable sometimes leads to painful things, but the ability to be so is pre-req to pretty much everything I want in life.
-Realized that I am going to be lonely forever if I can't stop overthinking everything and worrying about what people think.
 
This isn't an exhaustive list, but it summarizes most of the lessons I've learned over the last few years.  The idea of resurrecting this blog scares me, because I want to share without attaching my name to what I put out there, and I'm not sure if anyone wants to hear what I have to say; I guess I'll have to see what happens.