Sandy is a Bitch

...and is NOT invited to dinner.  But I think she's going to crash the party anyway:(  Sitting in a client's house (surrounded by tall trees) and feeling prematurely bored, so thought I'd post.  I've stocked up on food and eggnog (which I can chug if power goes out), purchased a 1000 piece puzzle, and looked at all the pics from my friend's epic annual halloween party two days ago.  Stay safe all my eastern seaboard folks!

Putting it on the Line

I'm going to put it all out there.  With new guy.  I'm nervous about the timing of it, but I feel like now is the window of time that I have, and I need to say how I feel and give him an opportunity to respond before it's too late and I haven't put it out there.  There are so many circumstances (time, distance, the military) that make things not ideal, but I really like him and I think about it a lot...I've realized I'm dreaming about him and waking up feeling a sense of urgency.  I still have some lingering feelings about ex LI, but I'm realizing that if things were exclusive with new guy I could lose ex LI's number in an instant and not look back.  Maybe it's the wrong play, but I can't wait any longer...I'm fearful that if I don't say anything now, it'll be January and new guy will be getting ready to ship off somewhere new and the moment will have come and gone.

I Need Motivation

I need some motivation and support right now.  I'm so blessed with many things, but right now my world feels very small, and there are some basic things I need to do to better my situation that I'm having difficulty with.  I shouldn't be so extrinsically motivated, but it's difficult staying motivated all the time when I've always spent all my energy caring for myself and making everything work.  Here are the things I need to do:

1. Come up with the $80 I need to send in with my GRE application fee reduction waiver by the end of this month, fill out the forms, and mail it in.
2. Study at least 4 days a week for the test once I mail in the forms.
3. Contact a nannying agency, send them my resume, and get a better job.
4. Finish all the tedious touch-up painting in my bedroom, re hang the blinds, get another closet door mirror, and finally unpack my stuff.
5. Somehow also pay all my other bills.
6. Stop procrastinating the gym

I need to accomplish all of these things, but I feel stuck.  I used to feel so motivated when I went to therapy, but I had to stop in August because I can't even afford the pro ration right now.  I want to be able to have a relationship, use my mind for something interesting, and not feel stressed about so many things, but I have to take these basic steps or it won't happen.  Ugh.

Alcohol Times with Russians

Last night was a pretty fun time.  In July, I went to a friend's Peruvian Day party and among the attendees were these two Russian girls (my bff almost went home with one of them, but besides the point).  So one of them is moving to NYC and the going away party was last night at a popular city bar.  I debated even going because I don't know her well, but I decided to bring my [man slut friend] Bob along and dip out if it wasn't a good time.  So the turnout for this girl's going away was on the low side, but we found ourselves having a really nice time, and Bob agreed to be the driver so I could drink.  I wasn't really planning to drink, but the vibe was right so I let myself have a few beers.  After most people left and we were all still socializing, they invited us and their remaining other [male] friend to come back to their apartment with them and continue drinking.  Bob agreed that it might be fun, so we made our way to their place.  (I was quite "fun drunk" already)  So back at their place they broke out the vodka...we had vodka screwdrivers, then I finished an opened bottle of wine, and possibly drank a few more collective beers...possibly, because I tend to steal others' already opened drinks when I'm drunk and the amount becomes difficult to measure.  They put on music and graciously played all our requests (Mickey Avalon My Dick!!), and at some point we all ended up salsa dancing in their tiny kitchen.  Also my Russian friends can *drink* vodka...as in unaffected by straight vodka shots.  Eventually 2am rolled around and the one girl was totes trying to sleep with Bob (he wasn't really into her), and we left on a good note.  Now I'd picked up Bob from his house and the original plan was for me to drop him back off and drive home, but by this point it was apparent that sobriety was beyond the evening's reach for me, so I asked Bob to just come back to my house and he could stay the night, be dropped back at his place in the morning.  I really took a gamble here, because I have a rule about not sleeping in the same bed as any guy I wouldn't fool around with, and Bob and I have fooled around on two occasions (both of which I wasn't super into and really regretted).  But surprisingly [thankfully] nothing happened.  Bob drove my drunk ass home with a good sense of humor and we went to sleep...not even any snuggling.  I vaguely remember resting my icy feet on his leg initially because they were so cold, but it wasn't anything and we both fell asleep pretty quickly...which is difficult when the world is spinning.    I need to be sure not to get too complacent with Bob though, because even though nothing happened this time, he seems to make a move when I least expect it.  It wasn't anything, but part of me also feels a little disappointed in myself for basically bringing him home and putting myself in a position where something could've happened that I'd regret...it's playing with fire.  Besides the bitchin' day-long headache, it was a successful night!

Almost

Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades...it's what my best friend on earth is always so quick to tell me.  It used to annoy me, but now I like when he says it and I've gone ahead and incorporated it into my phraseology.  I feel like almost has recently become a too-familiar word in my vocabulary...I often have almost enough money, almost get to see someone, almost make it to a goal.  I'm feeling a bit demotivated right now despite the fact I accomplished some good things today (work and lots of painting).  It's easy to lose sight of my small accomplishments because I feel like I've been behind for so long on so many things, haven't gotten what I want in a little while.  Is the real problem that I want things I can't have?  I wanted to go see ex-LI tomorrow and we discussed it, but he hasn't gotten back to me since our last talk; I'm annoyed, but mostly disappointed because dumb or not, I really wanted it even though I'm thinking it will probably never work out.  I'm disappointed for wanting it at all, because what I really want is to see new guy, which also isn't possible right now.  I wanted to go to the non conference this weekend, but alas it was beyond my reach (I do hope all the attendees had a blast!)  I wanted to have taken the GRE by now, but I just didn't get things together and still haven't been able to make it happen...I can't afford it even with the voucher, which demotivates my studying.  I almost got to see my bff, but he got a flat tire on his way up and had to turn around.  It'd be nice to turn things around and make a comeback instead of having so many almosts. 

Being a Server F*%$#@! Sucks

I did my first shift as a server at a country club this evening; it fucking sucks.  It was a slow night, but it was so boring and tedious:/  Hopefully it'll be more fun when I'm done shadowing and know what I should be doing/am doing something.  It was also awkward running into people from skating (some not nice people at that) and feeling looked down upon.  Icing on the cake is leaving late at night and having nothing to do afterward and no one to come home to.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

When you least expect it...

My mischievous side strikes.  Mwahahaha.  I topped off a good day with a hilarious prank on a friend at game night, something I've always wanted to do but never had the cajones to do.  I changed a number of the names in her phone's contacts to "tits."  (I did my best to avoid altering anyone work related)  It was surprisingly easy...no one has ever allowed me to play with their phone for such a long period of time, especially with me chuckling uncontrollably.  It might sound mean, but she has a sense of humor and found it generally funny, was able to put back most of them, and (and if she thinks critically) she can use backup assistant for the rest.  Today was a good day, but also a reminder that I get into trouble when I get bored.  Also I need to look over my shoulder, because I'm pretty sure she's coming hard.